I took a trip around rural Essex this weekend and did a spot of roadside farming on the way.

For novices, this rural past time is a bit like window shopping, but with fewer Starbucks. Perhaps it should be called window farming. Anyway, names aside, to do it properly, all you need do is wind down your car window and gaze at passing fields, commenting as you feel appropriate.

Unfortunately, I haven’t got this down to as finer art as I would like. That might be because I’m still not sure of the difference between winter and spring wheat, and I often get kale confused with cabbage. Who doesn’t?

Anyway, should you find yourself in a 4X4 cruising through parts of rural Britain, (a proper one, not one of those try-hard Chelsea tractors with sprayed on mud), you might want to try out a few of these.

Phrases often heard at the wheel include, “You’d never see peas like that in my field.” Or, “look what those ****ing rabbits have done to that barley.”

“Those heifers look well”, or “Whoever put up that post and rail fencing should take it down before it falls down” are also commonly used.

For a passenger, these long-distant observations can lead to some hairy motoring moments. It’s therefore advisable to keep half an eye on the road yourself and be ready to grab the wheel if things look like they’re going off-course.

And, you’d be wise to note that farmers (the ones I know at least) don’t swerve to avoid rabbits. A cock pheasant crossing the road during the shooting season however, is another matter. God forbid if you mow down one of those.

Anyway, enough of this rubbish. You’ll be pleased to know I found all the fields in Essex in good nick. Roll on harvest. That’ll sort the wheat from the chaff.