So here we are on the eve of the Oscars, which with the timely end to the writers strike should be another laugh-free back slapping extravaganza of disappointments.

No doubt all the usual suspects will claim the prizes and revel in their glory by spouting obsequious tributes to all and sundry. In anticipation of the festivities I thought I'd offer an alternative Oscar list for those deserving souls that have been denied their place on the rostrum. My winners have been picked from the great and the good of the movie world, my only criteria being that they've been criminally overlooked by the academy.

Best Director - Orson Welles Well what did you expect? I still find it hard to believe (even after 67 years) that he didn't win for Citizen Kane - not only one of the most dazzling debuts of all time, but for me the birth of modern cinema. How something so groundbreaking, both technically and structurally could lose to John Ford's How Green was my Valley is a mystery Hollywood should be ashamed of.

Of course Citizen Kane would also be my best picture, but having Orson win everything might smack of favoritism.

Best Film - Barton Fink Quite simply two hours of perfect cinema. From the performances, to the production design, the sound and the editing, Barton Fink is a truly cinematic experience. Brooding and gothic, funny and thrilling, what more could you ask for?

The sense of tension is palpable and any film that manages to make peeling wallpaper so menacing has got to be a masterpiece.

Best Actor - Thomas Hayden Church (Sideways) Despite another great performance from Paul Giamatti, the real star of Sideways is Thomas Hayden Church. He managed to make a rather self-obsessed, arrogant lothario into a sympathetic and loveable rogue - whose breakdown after a disastrous one-night stand is so convincing it takes your breath away. I have only one question, where is he now?

Best Actress - Rosalind Russell (His girl Friday) It's not easy to upstage Cary Grant, especially in slapstick comedy, but Rosalind Russell just about manages it as Hildy Johnson in His Girl Friday. Her timing is impeccable - no mean feat considering the frantic pace of the dialogue, which crams more gags into every line, that any other film before or since. They really don't make them like this anymore.

Best Screenplay - Memento Short term memory loss, unreliable narrator, backwards narrative. On paper it shouldn't work, on screen it does perfectly. Paradoxical and utterly compelling.

Now please, keep those acceptance speeches short, we have a party to go to…