WELL, Motor Mouth Kev Dyer has taken some time off from his weekly rants so here I am, filling his slot.

I can’t boast 24 years working in motorsport like MM, or an in-depth knowledge of how a gearbox works, but I thought it was time to redress the balance and provide a female perspective on the joys of motoring.

After all, we are the better drivers...

However, before you start thinking I am going to jump to the defence of the horror they call School Run Mums, forget it!

As a working parent of many years, I have spent a large part of my life on the nursery or school run twice a day, skilfully avoiding being driven off the road by lunatic posh birds doing their mascara at speed.

Nobody is perfect. We are all guilty of occasionally losing concentration while singing along to Take That, but I am sick of being tarred with the same make-up brush as those bimbo ‘Chelsea Tractor’ drivers who insist on delivering one small child to school in an eight-seat monster, while driving in the middle of a country lane at 60mph.

When will these ‘ladies that lunch’ types realise that the school run is NOT when you apply your make up, ring your friends for a chat or turn round and engage with an unruly child?

Quite apart from their random driving on the road, it’s the car park where the action really starts to take shape. Women in big cars who can’t reverse should be made to go somewhere and learn because there will come a time when there are NO parking spaces that one can simply drive through. Then what will happen? Will they start accosting the nearest hot young stud to jump in their ridiculously big car and ask him to park it for them? I sincerely hope NOT!

What these silly women don’t realise (or probably care about very much) is that they are giving ALL of us a bad name.

For those of us who have worked in London and therefore perfected the art of defensive driving AND parallel parking at an early age, witnessing the abomination of Tara Lara-Blahdiblah struggling to reverse her tank into a space as close as possible to the village shop while adjusting her hair and texting her bit on the side makes me want to weep, quite frankly.

Girls! Get a grip! If you are going to get your husband to buy you a ‘tootle-rounder’ the size of China, at least work out how wide it is, how long it is and learn how to park it.

And no…I am NOT jealous!

Next week….Get your top off! Why buy a convertible and then leave the roof up? Oh, because it might mess your hair up of course!

Motor Mouth Kev Dyer is indeed taking a pit-stop, but he hopes to return soon.