My son is permanently losing things. I’ve learnt (or I should have) not to buy him anything valuable as, a week later, I’ll ask him where it is and he’ll say he’s lost it. Watches, camera... and soon, I’m sure, his head.

Actually, given the state of my house I shouldn’t say I’m surprised.

I might have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder but it’s never extended to compulsive cleaning of the house. It’s not that I’m slovenly, so much as my OCD involves bikes, almost exclusively.

I can’t help myself, but I obsessively ask everyone I meet about their bike and get so excited when I see a weird one or a bike accessory I haven’t got.

In fact, that’s why I haven’t run out of things to say in this column after three years.

Ask any friend of mine and they will tell you about the mountain of clothes I’m meaning to put away, the crumbs on my carpet, and the knee-deep pile of food usually found under my daughter’s chair – which is probably toxic enough to exceed European health and safety levels.

With a house in my state I really need to get out more.

With all this gorgeous weather it seems a perfect excuse to get out and go cycling with the kids. But guess what? My son lost his bike key – and yes, he’s already lost the copy.

At nearly 13 I felt I really should trust him with his own key. Sadly he has a D-lock which means it’s really hard to get into now (although of course, that also explains why it hasn’t been nicked already (see previous On Yer Bike columns for expletives on local bike thieves).

I now need to spend some time with an angle-grinder or, if that fails, be nice to my neighbours until they do it for me!

The third option is to call in at the bike workshop, where I hear they have a special service for muppets like me and my son.

It’s very tempting, given that the bike shop contains almost a sardine tin full of Oxford’s sexiest men, but sadly the embarrassment factor of the lock might outweigh the eye candy Kodak moment.

So now, as I think of investing in a new bike lock for my son, I’m thinking of either a combination lock, or a lock with a spare key which stays in the house.

But if I do get a combination lock, will he remember the number? After all, he forgot to do his geography project until a couple of days before it was due in.

If I get him another lock, and he loses the first key in one week, do I then trust him with the spare key? And is there a safe place in the house where all the missing things are hidden? If so, any guesses?

I suppose I should be grateful he’s not at the age when he could forget where he’s locked his bike. Well, I must sign off now and polish up this old lamp I found down the back of the sofa...