As I may have mentioned in previous bike columns, I don’t rate bicycle thieves very highly. In fact, right now I’d rate them alongside any of our dodgy MP’s – take your pick there!

But as far as our local bike thieves are concerned, I think our repeat-offenders may have had their come-uppance.

During half-term I had to go away for a couple of days. The bike thieves in the area obviously noticed my recycling out early and chose their moment to come and use their cutters on the remaining cable locks attached to the bikes outside the front of the house – the rest are attached by D-locks to immovable bike racks.

Luckily for me, the last two places I’ve rented have been manned by bike-thief attuned neighbours. My last neighbours almost had antennae for bike thieves and stopped several robberies along the street while I was there.

At this house my neighbour just doesn’t just have supersonic hearing (or built-in radar for these felons); although he is built to scare the burliest bike-burglar off – and with a voice to match.

In this particular instance my neighbour noticed the thieves in the garden and raced out of his house in time to chase the BEEPS (insert names of your choice here!) with two bikes down the road.

They abandoned one half-way along the road, but the other one they made off with.

This is the point where had I had any sympathy for these thieves I would be ringing round the hospitals in order to apologise – the hospital I hear you say?

No, I’m afraid I’ve a confession to make about the stolen bike; this particular one was being kept outside until I got round to stripping the brake-cables for spares.

The last time one of my mates borrowed this bike the metal had cracked so badly at the base of the seat-post, that the saddle bent back at a precarious angle.

In fact, I own up, the bike was a death trap...

Any bike thieves spending more than two minutes on this bike would be waking up in agony in hospital to find they could no longer have children – as their weight on the saddle would be enough to completely snap the seat post off, leaving them to say goodbye to their ‘family jewels’.

As a result of this burglary I feel I’ve learned my lesson – no longer buy cable bike locks, or hopefully, in future, buy a loud-siren-blaring-when-you-cut-it bike lock.

Let’s hope these guys have learned their lesson too – apart from anything, it must be more difficult to sit down and cycle off if they really are still nicking bikes.

My main worry with writing this column is being contacted by their solicitors who may have a case against me for not leaving a sign on the bike to warn would-be burglars of their un-roadworthiness.

I still feel however that in my case, with all the heartache caused by the previous losses of bikes, I’d still win the case.

So, what’s my advice for any would-be bike burglars trying to make a quick buck?

Why not stand for parliament instead?! It seems like a crook with no conscience could make some real money there...