As I was cycling to Amit and Ajay’s on Sunday morning to get some eggs and milk, I passed a scene of considerable consternation outside a large student house on Cowley Road. They were remonstrating and pointing at the wall beneath the front bay window. I deciphered the giant-scissor chopping motions from one student and understood the violent ripping action enacted by another.

Being hungry, I cycled past them. But before I could take the pannierful of breakfast into my house, I was overcome with a sense of duty. The same exaggerated duty that sees me pick up fallen bicycles from pavements and right them, lest their wheels be stomped by yobs or tripped over by grannies.

I cycled back and rang on the bell. As I had divined, they had been the victims overnight of that most hateful and sewer-dwelling of individuals: the bike thief. There has been a spate of thefts lately, as there often is at this time of year. Freshers will buy a £30–40 used bike from some bloke down the pub, no questions asked. Said bloke buys them for a few quid from hollow-eyed junkies who have stolen them from large student houses on Cowley Road.

Several of my neighbours have had their bikes knicked in the last six weeks, and one poor woman has had two knicked. She replaced the first stolen bike on her insurance. Ten days later, the snivelling scumbags came back and broke into her locked garden shed and stole the shiny new replacement. Is there no justice in this howling, crazy world?

Back on Cowley Road, the students and I discussed the inadequacy of the flimsy chain hanging limply against the wall and the need for their landlord to install a Sheffield stand in their front garden. We went over the basics, locking the rear wheel and the frame to an immovable object, and replacing quick-release wheel nuts and seat post bolts with conventional bolts (or, better, tamper-proof bolts). It never fails to astound me how the general public can be so ill-informed about basic bike security.

I used to think that solid “D-locks” were the last word in bike security, but I have since been persuaded otherwise. The problem with conventional D-locks is that it is easy to put car jacks into the space formed inside the “D”. Car jacks can shatter even the highest-rated D-locks in a matter of minutes. Have a look at them doing it on You Tube.

There are two ways around this problem: 1. If you are looking for a new lock, get a Kryptonite “New York Faghettaboudit” miniature D-lock – these are too small to get a car jack inside, they are too tough to be cut with bolt-croppers and they are now resistant to being picked with Bic biros (early models were not). Caveat: they’re heavy. They’re also too small to use as a normal D-lock, so pair this with a Kryptonite chain to go around wheel / frame / anchor and deny a junky his fix for a night.

2. If you have a conventional D-lock, you’ll need to get your knees dirty and lock the bike as low to the ground as you can – i.e., lock it around the bottom bracket / pedals area. This makes it hard for jacks and power tools to access and break the lock. Also try to “fill” the space within the D-shape with a combination of wheel / frame / pedals and the post that you are locking on to. This again prevents anyone squeezing a car jack into the lock to snap it open or getting in there with power tools.