FAO: The Manager, My Bank, Cornmarket, Oxford. September, 2008. Dear Sir/Madam. I moved to Oxford four years ago and during that time have attempted to befriend many of the city's residents.

This I have done because I believe, first and foremost, in community; that sense of shared geography, experience and responsibility which is the hallmark of a civilised and caring society.

However, as I am sure you appreciate, you cannot simply go and knock on doors as a means of both introduction to, and education about, those living cheek to jowl beside you. That would be deemed as threatening. Far better then to meet those who share a postcode in a relaxed and safe environment. Which is why I have always striven to greet and embrace my fellow Oxonians at venues specifically operated for just this purpose.

I can often be found extending the hand of friendship to those frequenting The Duke of Cambridge, Raouls, The Living Room, All Bar One, The Randolph, Pizza Express, The Bridge, all public houses in Cowley Road (including the Carling Academy) and several bars abroad — Spain, Greece, Walt Disney World in Florida etc. And I'm proud to say, both as a concerned citizen and devout churchgoer, that as a direct result of these efforts, I am now on first name terms with many of this city's single inhabitants. In short, I now understand the hurt, the pain, the occasional joys and dreams, the aspirations and fears of those we should be proud to call 'neighbour'. Unfortunately, such selfless commitment does not come cheap. Why, even the Church of England is struggling financially, despite all its good works, and because I know you care (after all, I have watched ALL your commercials), I am writing to ask if you could write-off my overdraft? I am not a stupid person; I haven't lived irresponsibly or without due thought for my fellow man. Rather, I have just fallen prey to the sin of profligacy; the curse of generosity; the terrible burden of charity...

Please, I beg you, if your heart beats and your veins flow with the blood of mercy, take pity on me. I owe $700bn.

FAO: Jeremy Smith, A Valued Customer, Oxford Mail, Osney Mead, Oxford. Dear Jeremy, Thank you so much for your heart-rending letter. Suffice to say, I and my colleagues here at the bank have been deeply moved by your words. It is so rare in this day and age to receive such a frank and honest letter; and let me assure you that its impact was all the more felt because you belong to our 'family'. As you quite rightly point out, we've always said we're with you 'for the journey'. And isn't life tough enough without those who always look to occupy that higher moral ground?

That's why our bank goes to such great lengths to show we care; the expensive offices, the ludicrously high salaries of executives; our obsession with small print — all of these engineered to ensure that when the chips are down, we're there with the mayonnaise.

Of course, your overdraft must be causing you some concern. You have rent to pay, a girlfriend to entertain and spoil, and a wardrobe that constantly needs reinventing.

If we can't help you when the going gets tough, we might as well start short-selling... Take it from me, as of this moment, your debts have been erased, as if they never existed, and we perform this small act without any bill of reckoning. Your life is your own — go, take it, feel it, and remember, the only true debt in life is love.

Yours, Just a cog in the banking machine. PS. And screw you sonny if you think we're that stupid!