IN 1998 I remember standing in the queue at the old subterranean Co-op on Cornmarket Street, waiting patiently as my lunch hour clock ticked towards Doomsday.

In front of me, and the rest of the queue, was a student. He was trying to write a cheque for a loaf of bread. The reason for the delay was that he couldn’t find his pen. His trouser pockets were emptied on the counter in vain Yet no-one bore him any malice. He fitted the student stereotype perfectly.

Today he’s probably earning £75,000 as a consultant on the poetry of the Medieval world. And I might add, probably still trying to write a cheque for a loaf of bread. I hope he found his pen.

While many people, including my own family, enjoyed joking about students, no-one bore them any malice. Now that you need to pay tuition fees, there’s probably sympathy. Especially this week, after the Government sleazily announced they were eliminating grants for the very poor, thus forcing them into a lifetime of debt.

I’d say 99.999 per cent of today’s students deserve your sympathy. And then there are the very few, shameful others.

The first 25 times I read about the petition to remove a statue of Cecil Rhodes from the Rhodes building at Oriel College, I swooned. My goodness, I thought, the jokes keep getting better.

But it was true. The lunatics really are trying to take over the asylum.

Rhodes’ statue had sat up there for over a century, bothered by no-one but the occasional flatulent pigeon. I’m no fan of Cecil Rhodes. But suddenly a brilliant but attention-seeking youngster, possibly wishing to emulate the successes of grandparents with a proper fight to put up, decided to make a lot of noise. No-one is allowed to tell him to shut up of course, because instead of being applauded for keeping the younger in check, they might have that unbearable word shouted at them in the quad – ‘racist’.

As far as Cecil Rhodes goes, I have this to say. It’s logical, and I’m sure I’m not the first to say it. First of all, you can’t correct history by erasing it, or denying it happened. Removing a statue which no-one looks at will achieve nothing. Secondly, Cecil Rhodes is being defecated on daily by pigeons. Is this not enough to appease you? He is covered in it.

Only if he were blacked up, and limbo dancing over a frieze of clapping, buxom Abyssinian maidens, would I have any time for your whingeing. Instead, it’s a quiet and inoffensive statue.

It pains me that any official response has to be made.

Meanwhile students at Newcastle University have banned fancy dress, in case it offends anyone on a night out. Sombreros are among the items banned, because they might offend South Americans.

Next year, they may be burning books.