Lovingly hand-crafted in the wilds of west Oxfordshire, this week’s column is exotic, spicy and expensive. OK, I lied about that last word but I’m just trying to see if what works for restaurants will do the trick for me.

A professor in California has studied 6,500 menus (nice work, if you can get it) and his findings left me choking on my lightly toasted slice of granary this morning.

It turns out that chefs who use longer words to describe their dishes, charge more than those who keep it short and sweet.

And if they’re going to raid your wallet, they’re also more likely to pinpoint exactly where your food came from.

So, it’ll be ‘Gloucestershire pork’, rather than just any old pig meat and the asparagus will be ‘hand-picked by choir boys from Rural Dream Farm in the depths of Oxfordshire’s most beautiful countryside’, not tossed into a trolley at the nearest cash ‘n’ carry.

Also, according to Prof Dan Jurafsky’s book The Language of Food, words such as ‘exotic’ and ‘spicy’ will bump up the cost.

Oh, and if you happen to spot ‘langoustines’ on the menu, be careful and I’m not talking about food poisoning.

I don’t really know whether they're a type of prawn, or mini-lobster.

I’ve never been sure and now it doesn’t matter, because I won’t be ordering them since they cost a packet, according to the Prof. Ditto any dish which includes the description ‘wild chervil’.

At this point, you’re probably wondering ‘Isn’t that a herb’? Wild chervil is not a herb. It’s a flashing neon sign that says you’ll need to re-mortgage your house to pay the bill.

Finally, next time you find yourself in an expensive restaurant, don’t worry if you appear to have mislaid several pages of the menu.

There are probably only two things on it, because that’s the chef’s way of telling you he or she knows best, so shut up and chow down on what they’ve chosen.

Unlike budget places, where you’ll need to waste an hour of your life wading through thousands of options.

But all is not lost. Because, just as you can tell who’s going to fleece you by the way they describe it on the menu, you can also work out who’s going to hand you change from a tenner.

In cheaper restaurants, there’ll be gems like ‘delicious’, ‘gourmet’ and ‘hearty’ peppering the menu. Those chefs will try to tempt you with ‘mouth-watering, ‘tasty’, ‘rich’, ‘chunky’ or ‘zesty’ dishes and try to convince you their food is ‘freshly cooked’ or ‘real’.

Apparently, that’s because they’re a bit insecure and feel the need to let you know they’re using fresh ingredients and that it’ll taste OK.

Now, I’m no expert when it comes to gourmet food but I think Professor Jurafsky’s a bit of a genius.

He's served up a succulent, Californian sizzler of an eating-out guide we can all sink our teeth into.

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