I am constantly amazed by how people apply for jobs nowadays. Actually, no that’s wrong, I’m constantly amazed by the ‘Mission Statement’ that everyone seems to include.

Now a Mission Statement, in case you didn’t know, is where you describe in very clinical terms just what your skills and ambitions are.

It’s a load of old tosh, of course, and no one believes it but, nevertheless, to send a job application without a Mission Statement is tantamount to professional and social suicide.

Yet sadly, they are nearly always identical. Indeed, rather than embracing and extolling your virtues as a visonary yet compassionate individual, they rather read like a McDonald’s menu because, trust me, after a very short while, you can almost recite anyone’s statement word for word without even reading their text.

Unsurprisingly, most people over the age of 30 tend to disregard them as the nonsense they are – to us what matters is that your CV is letter perfect, there is a clear indication of intelligence (LET ME MAKE THIS CLEAR: that does not mean academic excellence but rather spirit, personality and spunk) and that a genuine sense of you, no matter how colourful or weird, comes across in your introductory letter.

It’s probably apocryphal, but I do love the story of the Oxford don who, upon interviewing a potential undergraduate, picked up his copy of The Times and said: “Surprise me.” To which said wannabe student produced a cigarette lighter and set fire to his paper.

Joyous and, if true, worthy of being canonised for. But sadly most people today write the following in order to impress: ‘I am group and colleague orientated but can work just as effectively in an independent and solitary role, relying on instinctive imagination and a primal ability to build bridges in a blue sky environment.’ And yes, you’re right, I AM TOO STUPID to understand what that actually means.

I can be as economical with the as like the best of them – and have been earning a perfectly good salary for 30 years doing just that – but when confronted by this kind of vague and will-o’-the-wisp drivel, I am left cold, irritated and perplexed.

Instead, why not just write (as I have on several occasions): “Not only am I brilliant and hugely likeable but I can also save your company vast sums of money.”

Hell, just for the ‘entertainment’ value, I’d invite myself in to meet me.

Sadly, the cause of this alphabetical diarrohea is what is now called Human Resources but 30 years ago was labelled ‘Personnel’.

Today, HR departments exist purely to... exist.

Indeed, why does any company need an HR department to sift and sort through who can and cannot perform a job?

Surely, anyone who needs to hire is smart enough to know just who is a sharp cookie and who is a Greggs sausage roll.

I’m sorry, but this time it’s personal...
 

 

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