FRANKLY, I don’t know which I prefer – the usual cheesiness and predictable cheap thrills of our High Street retailers Christmas message or the new, whiter-than-white, slick, contrived, and supposedly profound commercials of our high street grocers (because that’s what M&S, Sainsbury’s, Tesco, Aldi, Asda, Waitrose and Morrisons are).

Suddenly, it seems, Christmas is serious. Especially if you’re John Lewis.

I watched the first screening of their Christmas tv commercial last week (I think it was during X-Factor) and even put down my fork of corned beef and chips with Branston pickle because an announcer solemnly declared: “We are very proud to screen the premiere of...” True, it could have been the new M&S blockbuster but I’m sure it was animated, with some sweet, heart-tugging song about foxes, rabbits, deer and bears all putting their daily struggles for survival aside, if only for a few hours, in order to embrace the joy of togetherness.

And afterwards, I was so moved by its simple and age-old tale of – dammit, why don’t I just spit it out – love, that I switched over to Family Fortunes on the Challenge channel.

Don’t get me wrong – I adore Christmas. I do believe it’s magical and I do salute the nativity. I may not be religious, but hell, what a wonderful story. And anyway, for all I know it could be true...

What I find so particularly disturbing about this year’s crop of commercials is that they all seem to be selling themselves as saviours (save for Morrisons, whose commercials with Ant and Dec are beautifully Christmassy without all the bleeding hearts).

The one ad I truly hate is for the Co-op. “Here for you for life” is its tagline and I certainly will never shop there again.

It suggests doesn’t it that the Co-op is there for when terrible things happen, and that when all other doors close in your face, you can at least rely on its countrywide chain of shops to offer you charity, compassion and succour.

At least John Lewis has pinned all its hopes on a bunch of woodland animals who, for the sake of December 25, have abandoned their instincts to kill and eat each other so they might instead enjoy the camaraderie of giving.

It goes without saying that the M&S commercial is bonkers. Yes, Helena Bonham-Carter is in it, but instead of sweet and wholesome it’s sickly, saccharine and oh-so-horribly creepy. Surely, if M&S wanted to advertise their true Christmas spirit they should have donated Ms Bonham-Carter’s fee to their staff instead? After all, their ad must have cost millions and their ‘crew’ are the best in the country.

Anyway, I’ve said it. Stop making out your fruit and veg departments are just dying to help and heal our wounds, and instead sell it simply: ‘A tin of Quality Street with every purchase over £20.’ Don’t mistake hype for care.