Porn star 'tashes and internet dating

It seems that you can spend a whole month in celebration of something different throughout the calendar now, so I’ve spent the last two weeks deciding to stay not only sober for October, but also the slightly less catchy sounding Caffeine-free for October!.

I have to admit that I finally broke last week, but it allowed me a stunning revelation that I’d like to share with you. Booze and caffeine are good for me!

I’ve never felt so lethargic, lost so much weight and had to eat so much to counter the hole left by booze and my morning cappuccino.

This isn’t strictly an authoritative medical finding – but I found it ever so strange that after a good ten days without caffeine and without alcohol, I didn’t feel any better at all.

I’ve already revealed that I’m a fresh juice fiend, making gallons of vitamin-packed green gunk each and every day, I’ve even been eating rabbit food and cereal and other ghastly stuff, so I believe I gave it a fair chance, but on October 12 I finally broke and decided that leaving vice out of my life has insufficient value.

If there was any great value to the ten-day foray into sobriety, it was that it proved quite a novelty to be at the pub with friends, neither wanting nor needing an alcoholic drink. It saved me a little bit on my household budget and mornings were a slightly sharper, less slumbersome affair. I guess I don’t drink too much anyway, but it made me conclude that moderation is a better plan than abstention.

I would have gone a good deal further into the month had I not taken the phone call offering a hot bath to be run for me, brimful with bubbles and a buddy, and a great bottle of Rioja. It was, sadly, a no-brainer. I had to accept.

Seeing as I wasn’t doing any of it for charity, but for my own peace of mind, I’m happy to have given in, without any great self-chastisement.

Next month however, that’s a different issue – Along with some other folks from the Castle Quarter, I am deciding to raise money for Movember, the Prostate and testicular cancer charity. We’ll be leading the way for Oxford to become a centre of follicular excellence, clean-shaven for November 1 and then seeing whether any of us are capable of growing a handlebar moustache by the end of the month. I’d love to see Oxford awash with handlebar moustaches, like something out of a 70s’ porno film. Figures state that prostate cancer is the second largest cause of male cancer in UK, it’s said that one in eight UK men will develop prostate cancer in their life, so it’s certainly something worth shouting about a little.

Since us fellas are most commonly useless at looking after our health or discussing when something’s actually wrong, I think we need every assistance we can muster.

We’ll take photographs of everyone on November 1, then we’ll regroup each week to take another photo, then at the end of the month, we’re planning to have an awards ceremony, congratulating anyone who’s raised oodles of money or has grown a particularly impressive Mo. If there are Mo’Bros or Mo’Sisters out there keen to get involved, you know what to do, shout @BigBangMax

Two down . . . and counting

I decided to finally take the plunge and have been on two dates this week.

You spend a long time communicating with faces you find attractive on the various websites but if you don’t have any spark with them when you meet face to face it’s pointless.

She may well be a rocket scientist, or like one of my most spectacular exes a world-leading professor, but if she doesn’t get the message across that she’s out to enjoy life, then I couldn’t care less what she does for a living.

Every single person on these sites claims to love horses, to be fun, to like wild nights out, as well as cosy, quiet nights in. Most couldn’t be without walks in the country.

So, unless you deduce that you find their picture attractive, there’s little else to differentiate on the surface – it sadly has to be that simplistic. So, I met with two, the first was to take place in a bar that I wouldn’t normally send my worst enemies to – All Bar One.

It seemed that everyone in the bar on the particular evening was meeting for the same purpose, everyone looked nervous, everyone jumped as the next person came into the bar.

It makes you realize quite how many people are dating, when you’re in the same position.

She was quite charming, and we certainly had some stuff in common, but I couldn’t help feeling like an extra from the Spanish Inquisition, asking a thousand questions to monosyllabic replies.

Sadly, however nice, that’s never going to work. I can’t share my life with a wallflower. Date drawn to an early close . . . thanks, nice to see you.

Next date, just a day later, decided to be a little more unconventional, we were going to meet on Port Meadow, in the middle of the afternoon, at one of my favourite pubs. We met with impressive punctuality. It’s great meeting people who don’t do 9 to 5, as it means they often have a more unconventional approach to life, so we met.

We both headed out to the Meadow where Nina, my narrowboat was waiting, and we trundled down the Thames to Osney Island, where another soft drink was waiting (I was still observing Go Sober for October at the time) and we had a fabulous time but there just didn’t seem to be any spark.

It makes one wonder how long one needs to wait for a spark to ignite. I tend to think that if you don’t get an immediate one, then it’s not something which comes at a later time – it’s a now or never reaction.

So, I regret to say, she also bit the dust.

Perhaps, just perhaps I need to adjust my expectations but when you enjoy life as much as I do, it’s a tricky thing to accept.

Seeing lots of fabulous women and not being tied down seems a preferable option to any settlement.

But I ain’t going to give up that easily, three more planned this week. Let’s see how they go . . . I promise to be a bit more patient.