SOMETIMES I wonder just how much more I could have achieved with my life if I’d only... hydrated. Yup, it’s a sad fact, and it’s not easy easy to admit, but while I’ve drank water every day, sometimes even Lucozade, I’ve never ‘hydrated’.

And clearly, as someone who considers himself fairly informed, the least I could have done is take note of the changing times and ‘hydrate’ with special, scientifically-engineered fluids that, for £1.99 or less, promise to swamp my body with the kind of refreshment that can only help extend my life expectancy.

It’s true, I’ve been too proud in some cases to quench my thirst with fruit-based cordials just bursting with anti-oxidants and I know for a fact, to my shame, that I have deliberately – and cynically – avoided whole wheat cereals promising protection against heart disease.

But deep down, who cares? Bowls of freshly cut kiwifruit and yoghurt, mixed generously with nuts and raisins, are not going to save my life.

Neither are drinks that purport to be ‘better’ than fresh, run-of-the-mill drinking water.

No, the only thing that could possibly make a difference to my life expectancy would be winning the Lottery.

After all, the single biggest killer is stress, and I know for a fact that if I didn’t have to work every day, five days a week, 50 weeks a year (allowing for holidays) my health would improve dramatically.

Winning the Lottery would allow me to eat leisurely breakfasts every morning, take the train rather than the coach to London, and perhaps most importantly of all, enable me to go bed at night without worrying about what to wear the following day.

A doctor I know tells me that many of his patients are afflicted with injuries brought on by regular exercise.

And I can believe that. As I ‘bus’ into town every morning, I see them, running determinedly down the Banbury Road, red-faced, spluttering, and looking frankly like the ‘running dead’.

You know, I’d even swear that death today is seen as something of a personal failure.

A ‘weakness’ with which you don’t want to be associated for fear it might reflect badly on your career, your relationships and your ability to bond with those who are upwardly mobile.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not advocating that we should ignore all the obvious pitfalls for failing health and poor quality of life (eg watching Emmerdale or socialising with 2,000 ‘friends’ on Facebook); I’m just saying, let’s not kid ourselves that anything labelled as ‘hydrating’ is any way better than pouring out a glass of water from your kitchen tap.