AT THE risk of alienating a large chunk of the Oxfordshire population, I’m admitting that this week I went to see a Swindon Town football match – and that takes balls. As we live west of Oxford, Kingston Colts, the local junior football club, were invited for a family training day and so, en masse, the village ventured over to the dark side to enjoy considerable hospitality.

I used to play football when I was younger, and have even belonged to several teams. This sounds as if I had a long and progressive career in studded boots – the truth is less impressive.

Although I could kick the ball adequately on occasion, these occasions were as rare as unicorn-sightings in the Kassam stadium, and I shuttled from the subs bench in one match after another as each team slithered down the rankings. My strength? The post-match showering.

In an attempt to stay on the pitch for a whole ninety minutes, I even qualified to be a referee. The black shorts may (or may not) have suited me but I still remained the person who most needed to be sent off the pitch. Despite quips about pigs’ bladders, in my boys’ heads this dubious past translated into something prestigious in the current ‘mum league’.

Anxious to live up to their expectations, I tried to make them proud during a pre-match ball skills session with a simple shot from the corner. I’d even teamed trainers with my jeans for just this eventuality.

Even at my peak, accuracy was something that eluded me: however, the ball landed perfectly at the feet of a key striker to the lavish applause of the boys who didn’t know I’d been aiming at someone else entirely. Result! That is, until the parents’ ‘hit-the-cross bar competition’ with dads who’d clearly been practising since the 1960s and could knock Wayne Rooney off a footballing pedestal with a back-heel kick from forty yards.

The odds of me winning were greater than leaving Swindon with the Eurolottery tucked under my arm. Sadly I didn’t, and nor will Swindon Town be calling me back for trials. Thank goodness: I’ve had my day, football-wise!