DIPLOMATIC INCIDENTS

Cherry Denman (John Murray, £16.99)

‘Abroad is bloody.’ So said George VI, and, if left to herself, Cherry Denman would have thought the same. However, she married a diplomat, and for the past 25 years has been living in all sorts of unimaginable corners of the world.

Diplomatic Incidents is Cherry’s recording of her life abroad. I can honestly say it’s the funniest book that I have read for a long time. We hear stories on entertaining (‘How to swallow revolting things without losing your dignity or supper’), on the perils of raising children abroad (‘Grow your own nomad’), and the dangers of health abroad (‘Bugs, beasts and botulism’).

Cherry’s experience of cleaning ladies would make a book in itself. There was the one who turned up in Hong Kong wearing nothing but a very short skirt and a lacy bra. And the one who was a nymphomaniac. And Bing, whose hobby was voodoo witchcraft (she stayed for nine years).

And there’s the time that the Denmans went to register the birth of their son, at the Hong Kong ‘Ministry for Arrivals other than by Land, Sea or Air’. Stating that her husband’s job was a diplomat was not enough for the Cantonese official who had to fill in the form. Cherry explained: “He’s a First Secretary.” The official wrote down ‘Secretary’. “No, not a secretary, a civil servant,” she insisted. ‘Father’s occupation’ on the birth certificate duly had ‘Secretary’ crossed out, replaced by ‘Servant’.

Diplomatic dinner parties have a chapter to themselves. Charlie, Cherry’s husband, has chomped his way through ducks’ feet, slugs, assorted testicles, yak’s eye and camel’s hump in the name of Britain. Accompanying these horrendous meals are endless stories of global and verbal misunderstanding, fuelled by larger-than-life characters and copious amounts of local spirits.

Transport abroad is another peril to be endured. In Tripoli, she’s seen a man driving round a roundabout the wrong way, and a family being transported in the claw of a digger. Going the wrong way up a dual carriageway is standard practice in Libya. Trains are so much easier – though not always. Travelling ‘Hard Class’ from Hong Kong to Peking involves a 36-hour crowded ride on wooden benches and only a hole in the floor for ‘bathroom’ requirements – shared with 300 other passengers.

This book is so packed with funny stories that it’s impossible to do it justice in a review. Cherry’s writing style is superbly humorous in itself, and the book includes some of her drawings of the characters she has met, and useful tips such as hand gestures to be avoided. Other practical advice that might even come in handy in England includes a recipe for black marmalade (sounds delicious) and how to eat a mango without getting sticky.

Despite her insistence at being ‘not Suitable Material’ for a diplomat’s wife, and her amputation from Waitrose and reliable plumbing, Cherry has obviously revelled in her life abroad, diplomatic or not. Read the book, and enjoy.