"To my mother's disappointment I failed my eleven-plus and started at the local secondary modern school in Oxford. During my first year there at twelve years of age, I met Graham, my first and only boyfriend.

"Eight years later we married and bought our family home in Yarnton. I worked as a tax officer with the Inland Revenue. Our daughter Anna was born five years later in 1981 and Howard three years after her in 1984. A girl and a boy, our family was complete.

"Graham and I were devoted, respectful parents, able to give all our time on a one to one basis to our two children in a secure loving environment.

"I was a stay at home mum who enjoyed her children's company and felt totally fulfilled. It felt it was what I was put on this earth for. Goodbye forever to tax collection!

"In order to be more involved in my growing children's lives, I helped at their playgroup, training to be a playgroup leader. This in turn led me to train the playgroup leaders. All my newfound child development knowledge sprawled into the care, education and support of Anna and Howard. I was mesmerised by their development.

"I continued my own professional development by studying part time for my certificate in education at Oxford Brookes. This then led me to achieve a bachelor and master of arts in education.

"At the time of Howard's death I was undertaking a doctorate in education, all fostered though interests in my children's development.

"Despite leaving school with few formal qualifications, I am a lecturer in education at Oxford Brookes and Oxford and Cherwell Valley College.

"I have had to reduce my hours to half time as the grief process slowed my reactions and mental recall, so necessary in the classroom.

"All of my studies have centred on Anna and Howard; their life was my life. Everything we did we did together, even our studies Howard with his undergraduate engineering studies, Anna her master's studies and now I have no motivation to continue my studies. My whole life has crashed around me, and watching our daughter Anna struggle with her grief and her studies is so painful.

"I miss Howard so much, because we lived every day together. He chose to study at Oxford Brookes and stay at home. We had never been separated from Howard for more than a week unless, he was skiing with the school or Brookes.

"We had every weekend, and family holiday together. He died two months before we were all due to go to Tenerife to celebrate my 50th birthday. That holiday was so painful, as we stayed in the same accommodation each year.

"For Graham's 50th birthday, Howard produced a beautiful photographic montage of our lives and I was looking forward to the same through Howard's eyes.

"Howard kept me young, always playing music and downloading my favourites. This kept me cool' with my own adolescent students and up to date with current trends and language. Now I am just a sad uninformed old lady'.

"The house was never quiet when Howard was around and his vitality was contagious. Now I have lost the will to clean, cook, study, or plan for the future.

"Graham and I still saved for the future so we could support our children to leave the nest' and be independent. Anna had already left and bought a home ten houses from us in Yarnton. Howard was planning to do the same with our support.

"While Howard was a vivacious, outgoing, gregarious character, he was also very family orientated: He took us to the airport, came into bed with us for a cup of tea at the weekends. In fact, we organised our social lives around each other.

"Even on the day he died, we had all been out canoeing together. The night before he was killed, I had picked him up from a party in Marston so he could enjoy a drink.

"I miss being needed as a mum. There is no washing, changing his bed, making his sandwiches, buying his hair products, pandering to his need for sweets or waiting for him to come in to eat with us ... I feel so superfluous.

"I just love Christmas; so did Howard. We revelled together in buying tacky' presents and filling stockings. This has been my most down time, again feeling redundant as a mum, not feeling able to write cards buy or wrap presents.

"It seemed everyone at Christmas had their complete family around them. Pulling the curtains as nightfall came made me feel so incomplete.

"The irony of his death is that as a family we were so safety-conscious. with seat belts, crash helmets, life-jackets, and non-slip soles on shoes. I teach child-carers the correct way to care for other people's children, yet someone else's disregard has resulted in the death of my child. Saying be careful' every time Howard left the house naively didn't consider the irresponsibility of others.

"As a family unit, Anna, Howard and Graham, we supported each other with projects, like Anna's wedding, house-buying, Howard's job applications, car buying and servicing, which now have no meaning, direction or focus.

"I am past child-bearing age; I never set out to have an only child and it is painful to see Anna trying to survive the future without her brother. We had got to the stage with Howard where he was our inspiration, in contrast to his early years where we were his inspiration.

"I never saw the pride in Howard receiving his much deserved degree that he achieved in automotive engineering at Oxford Brookes University, where the emphasis was on this is just the beginning...' "Howard's death has resulted in the breakdown of Anna's long-term relationship, which is upsetting to witness. The planned wedding in July has had to be cancelled.

"My relationship with Graham is one of trying to support him and trying to rebuild an empty nest. We can no longer look forward to a carefree retirement with many diverse grandchildren.

"I am permanently tearful, seeking escapism in shopping or holidays rather than confront reality. I am forgetful and can no longer be relied upon.

"We were not one of those families to win raffles or lotteries; indeed, I had only just recently commented to Graham that we never win a raffle, but until Howard's death we had won life's lottery with our lovely family, of whom we were so justly proud.

"My life is in tatters; there feels no focus to the future. I have always been someone who never looks back, but after Howard's death it feels like there is nothing to look forward to.

Julie Hillsdon March 2006