"Imagine the perfect' family ... a mum and dad, a daughter and a son. This was the life that I grew up in and was what I had always planned would be the basis of my future.

"With only three years between us, Howard and I were very close. We had similar interests and shared many experiences.

"Even though we had several offers of places at universities across the country, we both chose to stay living with our parents in Oxford.

"Even when I had completed my teacher training and started working as a primary school teacher, I bought a house with my partner, literally a minute around the corner, and still saw Howard and my mum and dad nearly every day.

"We both enjoyed swimming and were members of Oxford Lifesaving Club before becoming coaches. We trained as lifeguards and worked together at Woodstock outdoor swimming pool and attended a canoe club together.

"As Howard grew up we were able to do even more and often went shopping or socialised together. I trained as a primary school teacher directly from school and worked to set up a new school in west Oxfordshire for three years before moving to be Year Five teacher and coordinator of mathematics at a school in Oxford city.

"One of my most recent memories is a holiday we had abroad. It was all of us together: Mum and Dad, my partner Mike and I and Howard and his current girlfriend.

"I had everything I wanted and needed around me and we had a brilliant time. Days on the beach and evenings eating and sitting on the balcony. Who could ever have expected that all that could come to such an abrupt end?

"May 28th, 2005, started as a lovely day. My partner, Mike, was working and I was out walking along the river in Oxford with my mum and dad. Howard was canoeing with his friend and we met up with them during the day.

"When we got back to Mum and Dad's house, Howard was going through the larder searching for ingredients for a meal he was planning before grabbing his stuff, giving each of us a quick kiss on the cheek and a hug and getting into his car.

"It wasn't until several hours later that I received an odd phone call. It was my mum saying 'come to the hospital now'. When I asked why, she just said she couldn't say, but to come now.

"From that point I knew that one of the most precious things in my world had gone. My partner and I got into the car and drove to the hospital where we were met by Mum and a nurse who told us straight away that Howard was dead. But how? How could someone so young and full of life be dead?

"We were taken to a curtained-off area and there was my lifeless brother lying on a trolley with my mum and dad bent over him, sobbing loudly.

"Can there be a sight more painful than seeing the people you love most broken in that way?

"This really became the most difficult thing to deal with. In these days, weeks and months following Howard's death, I visit my parents daily and often find them still in bed in the afternoon, pacing the house at night or lying on the sofa or bed sobbing like children.

"I personally feel a huge amount of responsibility for this and don't particularly feel I have anyone to share it with.

"As a primary school teacher I have a responsibility to ensure the education and well-being of the 32 nine and 10-year-old children in my class and this in itself has become a huge strain on me.

"There have been days when I can't stand in front of a class without showing my emotional state. Although I feel very supported by colleagues in school, I only started my new job five weeks before Howard's death and I don't feel they ever knew what I was like before.

"They've never seen the happy, sociable, professional person that I was, only the miserable, lonely, desperate person that I am now.

"Initially I felt this was a short-term effect of my grief but now recognise it to be more long-term and the true effects of such a shocking loss are only just becoming apparent.

"I find my mind wanders quickly and I lose focus and concentration and often forget simple things. I find it hard when people talk about their relationships with brothers and sisters, I can't bring myself to even look in the direction of Brother' greetings cards in shops.

"In addition to my employment, I was also working towards a Masters degree in education to enhance my knowledge and career prospects. This has been very hard to sustain at such a difficult time.

"In terms of my own relationships I have found it very hard to balance all aspects of my life. I have been with my partner for seven years and we became engaged to be married before Howard's death.

"We planned a wedding, locally, for July 29, 2006, and made many plans towards this but it has become apparent that we cannot continue with these plans. Having had Howard's funeral in the church, and all the related people, it would be very difficult for me to separate the two emotionally and I don't know how I could ever cope with a huge family occasion without Howard.

"In addition to this, weaknesses are beginning to show in the relationship itself. Having been together for a long time, Mike and I felt we knew each other so well. We have, however, both changed so much since Howard's death.

"People have said that I have lost the sparkle from my personality and I accept that I now often see the worst in a situation whereas I would always have looked on the bright side before all this. I often feel I have to be there' for my parents and this can encroach on the time that Mike and I should have together.

"We need time to get to know each other again but I do question whether we will ever find what we had before all this. Needless to say, we have cancelled the wedding for the time being.

"I have become anxious and worry constantly about the people that I care for. This experience has shown me that life and happiness are so fragile and anything can be taken away so easily.

"Whenever I hear an accident on the radio or people are late home I automatically assume they have been killed or seriously injured in a similar way to Howard. I sit by the phone and wonder how I will find out about this one. I feel trapped in a world of grief.

"Howard had only just completed an engineering degree and didn't even know that he had achieved what he had worked so hard for. He had planned to become a mathematics teacher, and had already been accepted on to a teacher training programme. This could have been another experience that we could have closely shared.

"He would, no doubt, have become a very motivating and inspiring teacher to the students that he had contact with, had he been given that chance.

"All in all, I feel I have been cruelly robbed of the person I have been closest to throughout my life. I have no hope of ever having a sister-in-law, nieces or nephews or someone to share the parental pressures and joys.

"I only saw a glimmer of what it could have been to have had a grown up, adult relationship with my brother. All of these hurt in a way that no words could ever really express."

Anna Hillsdon February 2006