Has anyone suffered like me from the agonies of trying to contact a national organisation by telephone?

The torture is barbaric, and endless. The earphones are full of 'music' and questionnaires about pressing button routines which, when followed, lead nowhere.

Disembodied voices, full of polite apologies, respectfully ask you to be patient as "all our operators are busy".

They ask you not to worry as your call will be answered -- some day. So, for many minutes, you're forced to listen to a recital of all the advertising amenities and the history of the body's successes since the Crimean War or some other antediluvian starting point.

Then, more bursts of cacophonous discords, masquerading as musical jingles, followed then by invitations endlessly repeated to choose either 'menus'.

I could go on. The impossibility of ever making contact with another real human who will answer my simple inquiry makes my life unbearable.

And as soon as I replace receivers in despair, a real-life Pakistani, Bangladeshi, Italian, Oriental, Scottish or Welsh woman will ask me to consider receiving a free MOBILE phone and £50 to boot.

L HORNER (retired human)

Eden Drive

Headington

Oxford