Stories of sexual problems within relationships are more common than most people think.

Take this cautionary tale from Oxford therapist Carla Pegoraro: "I saw one couple who had been married for 30 years and she had never had an orgasm. They were about to split up as their marriage was on the rocks for many reasons, but they came to see me as a last resort.

"After doing their 'homework', she came back and cried on my doorstep she was so happy. They are still together now."

Sex therapists agree virtually every couple will experience some sort of sexual problem in their lives. The idea of telling a complete stranger about it may seem either perverted or mind-numbingly embarrassing, but for an increasing number of couples it's a lifeline.

And Relate, the marriage counselling service, recognises sexual dysfunction is often separate from marital difficulties.

The organisation's spokesman Debbie Leak said: "If the problems are a result of the relationship, the couple are counselled. But in many cases they have a stable and healthy relationship with no other problems except in the bedroom."

Seven pyscho-sexual counsellors work full-time at Oxford's Relate Centre in Iffley Road, to help relieve all that intimate angst. They claim a 90 per cent success rate.

Here, Women's Editor FIONA TARRANT and writer KATHERINE MacALISTER talk to qualified counsellors about their clients, their problems and sex in the 1990s. Jose Romero's clientele is predominantly male. But the majority have been sent to him by their partners and referred by their GPs.

The 39-year-old north Oxfordshire psychiatrist spends his working hours listening to tales of premature ejaculation and erectile issues.

But the 39-year-old is a good listener. He qualified in 1990 and was paramount in setting up the west Berkshire psycho-sex therapy clinic, which also caters for south Oxfordshire.

He admires everyone who walks through his door because they have enough guts to discuss their intimate details with a stranger.

He says: "For a start they have acknowledged they have a problem, then they have told their GP and a second person they don't know. So they are motivated and want to help themselves."

And the good news is that there is a high success rate, which is why Jose finds it such rewarding work. So why is sexual therapy still so hush-hush?

"At a dinner party someone will say they have been to the dentist because they have got toothache, but never admit to sexual therapy. But sex is a function like everything else."

According to Jose, modern lifestyles do not lend themselves to good sexual relationships. Men are more likely to work in stressful environments and do not make time for their sex lives.

"At the beginning, passion and youth tide you over but in a long-term relationship it's more complicated because it continues with the same person for a long period of time. Add stress, drinking, smoking, a change in lifestyle, children, lack of fitness or depression and the problem builds up."

Women's lib has added to the problem: "Women expect more sexually from their partners these days. They want equal sexual rights, which is frightening a lot of men."

Jose also blasts myths about size and frequency. "People should not expect an orgasm every time but learn to have fun, experiment and feel comfortable with their partner. If there is a problem it is likely to get worse as the anxiety sets in," he explains. He blames poor sex education and a lack of communication between partners for many complaints. And he urges couples to see him together because they both need to work on the problem.

But he admits there is no instant prescription and the "homework" is tailored for each couple's needs.

The process may cost several hundred pounds for 10-12 sessions but Jose believes it's money well spent.

As he points out: "Men spend more on their cars, clothes or even beer." I want them to have fun Lorraine Levy is 53 and completely unshockable. As a psycho-sexual counsellor she hears it all.

"We get all kinds of people coming to us, from young women who can't have sex, gay couples, older married couples. You can't really generalise because everyone's so different," she says.

"Sexual therapy is a behavioural therapy. What we try to do is to get people to change their patterns.

"One of the main things I always say is that sex should be fun. If sex becomes an issue between partners then it can stress them out. My role is to get them to relax and have fun in their sex lives."

Although sex therapy has always been offered by Relate, it's a service that many couples, particularly young ones, are opting for increasingly.

"It has become more acceptable these days," says Lorraine.

She sees people for 12-16 weeks and then asks them to come for an update three months later.

"The couples I see come because they want the treatment to work and don't want to throw away their relationships. Often a counsellor, as a third party, can help them."

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