The last thing on most people's minds as they prepare say 'I do' is taking lessons in married life. But couples that do rave about them. KATHERINE MacALISTER went to see what the fuss was about. For engaged Sharon Fairclough, the benefits were plain: "We felt 100 per cent closer when we finished our classes," she said. "And we knew each other a lot better."

Sharon has been married now for three months to Andrew, a six-foot rugby player, and is a very happy Mrs Fairclough. But before they walked up the aisle they went to classes run by Relate's Teri Spain.

"We still use what we learned even now. Of course we are blissfully happy but it helps. You get to understand how the opposite sex actually thinks," she explained.

Teri, 42, works for Oxford's Relate in Iffley Road, and loves imparting her wisdom of five years of counselling and nipping problems in the bud.

"People spend months preparing to buy a new car or house but often do nothing about coping with getting married," she said.

"It's just a helping hand. If couples want their relationship to work, what have they got to lose?

"It's not counselling. Counselling is repairing a relationship. This just prevents the problems in the first place."

She cites one couple as a prime example for having the classes now, rather than waiting 20 years.

"The man couldn't understand why his wife had left him and kept saying they had a wonderful relationship and could sit in silence without even needing to speak. "His wife came in afterwards and said she couldn't stand it any longer because he never spoke to her."

According to Teri, the main problem is communication, or lack of it, and her four-hour class highlights the difference between men and women.

She also shows how backgrounds, upbringings and experiences mould people.

Teri said: "Two people get together and expect everything to be all right. But they are so different. If they can recognise this and know how to deal with it, they have a huge advantage from the start. A lot of it is down to conditioning."

The first thing she does is ask couples to fill in separate questionnaires, with questions like

which of your parents washed the dishes?

who controlled the purse strings in your family?

how many children do you want?

what's more important - a family or a career?

Then couples compare answers and discuss the results.

Sharon, 34, said: "It turned out that I wanted one child and Andrew wanted two. We had never discussed it because you assume you're in tune. Imagine if he hadn't wanted any and we found out too late. As it was we talked about it and decided to wait and see what happens." Teri then primed them on how to deal with loss and bereavement. She said: "Redundancy or the death of a child or parent can put great pressure on a relationship. Couples often grieve separately and grow apart. We teach them how to cope together."

Sharon agreed: "Teri explained that some people have never got over a past relationship. That was me.

"You bring your emotional baggage to the classes. But while Andrew had a hold-all, I had a great big suitcase. It may seem morbid discussing all those things but that's life."

The difference between men and women was next on the agenda - how they react to each other and what they actually mean.

Sharon said: "We were asked to discuss the little things that irritate each other. I said it made me cross that Andy would leave coffee cups on the table or loo rolls on the stairs.

"He complained that I expect him to know how I feel without telling him. I might come home from work exhausted and the last thing I'll feel like doing is cooking. But instead of saying so, I'll go into the kitchen and get angry that I have to do it while Andrew sits and watches TV. "Thanks to the classes, when I come home and say I'm tired he asks what I really mean, and will cook the meal himself that night. It's the little things that count."

Another topic covered is the need for women to feel nurtured.

Sharon said Andrew admitted at the class that he couldn't understand why Sharon needed to be reassured about his love.

"To him it was obvious that he loved me and thought I doubted him. But Teri explained that it's not a personal sign of insecurity but that women need to feel cherished, especially when they've had a bad day."

And although the majority of couples really enjoy the classes, for some it's curtains. Teri said: "A few couples have split up as a result. But I think we've done them a favour. It's better to know before they get married that their differences are irreparable."

So far, the classes have focused on couples getting married in church because they are referred by the clergy. But Relate is keen to reach those in other committed relationships such as couples about to have children, register office weddings or gay relationships.

New classes start in October and cost £35 per couple. For further information call 01865 242960.

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