It's Day Three of Relationships Week and FIONA TARRANT talks to psychotherapist Philip Rogers about what couples can do to learn to love each other again...

Psychotherapist Philip Rogers came across a sentence many years ago which had a profound effect on him. As an alternative to saying "I love you", he heard someone say "Do you feel loved by me?"

The question is one which many couples whose relationship is in trouble might feel they need to ask.

"It stunned me the first time I heard it said. I was astonished by the simplicity of such a crucial question," said Philip, who is a director of the Oxfordshire Counselling Service.

Philip, 52, is one of four therapists who have gone into partnership in the West Oxford Centre for Counselling and Psychotherapy, in Westminster Way, Botley. At the centre, which is in a converted house and has a very homely feel about it, Philip sees people with a variety of problems.

A lot of his clients are people who have problems with relationships - either forming them or keeping them going.

"I would say that most people who come to see me do have unrealistic expectations about how much time they spend together.

"Someone might come in and say they've been married for ten years, and have a certain amount of pride in that, but if you ask them how much time they spend with their partner and on their relationship, you get an interesting answer. It often isn't much." Philip believes many couples today have demanding lives which mean they don't spend the time on their relationships that they should.

"Sometimes it's just mutual existence, rather than being together in a loving relationship. Some people find they do not have enough intimacy or nourishment of their emotions."

Philip has spent the past year working on his book - published last week - which looks at practical suggestions for more caring relationships.

It's an easy-to-read book which doesn't have case studies about Mrs A, Mr B or Miss C. Instead, Philip uses himself where examples are needed.

It covers important, often overlooked aspects of relationships, including listening, dealing with anger, truth and how to help yourself love and be loved. "I very much believe in truth, not as an absolute but as an environment in which to work.

"Truth is closely connected to trust and you need that in a relationship as well.

"I don't claim to have all the answers but I hope I can help people to find their own answers. This book is providing them with extra support."

Do You Feel Loved By Me? by Philip Rogers costs £5.99 and is available by mail order from: PO Box 980, Oxford OX2 0YB. Add £1 for post and packing.

Contact the West Oxford Centre for Counselling and Psychotherapy on 01865 251252. DANGER SIGNS FROM TIME APART

Bill and Mandy had been married for 12 years. They were childhood sweethearts and had two children, aged six and four. They both had high-powered careers in the past, working for the same firm.

Mandy gave up work to bring up the children and Bill moved to a new, very stressful job, where he became friendly with his workmates, whom Mandy didn't know. Money was tighter and Mandy felt threatened by the amount of time Bill spent with the office crowd, which included single women.

Her unhappiness with the situation led to rows at home. Bill reacted by spending more time with his friends after work, which allowed him to unwind. This angered Mandy even more because he was spending money which she felt should be spent on the home and the children.

They both still loved each other but had forgotten how to communicate. They decided to split up but see a counsellor as a last resort.

The counsellor encouraged them to look at how each of their behaviour affected the other and how changes - however small - could alter the situation.

Bill decided to allay Mandy's fears by inviting her out with his colleagues and introducing them to her. Mandy was much happier with the situation. She decided not to initiate so many rows. Bill felt happier about being at home and cut down on his socialising. He started to offer Mandy the chance to join him when he did, now infrequently, go out with the crowd.

The couple agreed to do more family-oriented activities at weekends and set aside time for it.

Bill and Mandy have now been married for 14 years and plan to stay that way.

SOME TOP TIPS FOR A BETTER RELATIONSHIP 1. Find out if your partner feels loved by you, then find out HOW your partner feels loved or might be loved. Don't make assumptions.

2. Find out what turns them on - out of bed as well as in. Take it in turns to do something that the other likes. But do it joyfully, otherwise forget it. 3. Learn to listen. That means don't interrupt. Give them time to think and speak. Ask for the same in return.

4. Learn to speak your truth. If you don't know what it is, start the process of finding out before someone else starts telling you their truth as yours.

5. Learn about your emotions, particularly anger, fear and pain. Find out the purpose of each for you.

6. Learn the positive expression of anger. Stand up for yourself without manipulation or deceit. Stop blame games, sulking and resentment.

7. Learn about vulnerability. Explore what that means for you. You can't be intimate with someone unless you both open up. If it's just one of you, it's an illusion. You're kidding yourself.

8. Treat love as something to enjoy learning about. What is it? Talk about it, read about it. Would you recognise it if it was in front of you? What does your partner think it is?

9. Find a partner who wants to commit to a positive relationship, who shares your ideas - or at least shares wanting to find out what a positive relationship looks like. Do this before you get into bed with each other.

10. Be open to the unexpected. Invite help from the mysterious power of the universe that is bigger than our small egos. You will be amazed what can happen if you say 'Yes'. *The Oxford Mail has linked up with Central TV to bring readers and viewers a week of features on relationships. Tonight on Central's Life Line, which goes out at 6.55pm, The Bill's Chief Insp Conway - actor Ben Roberts - investigates the risks posed to a relationship when couples get stuck in a rut.

HOTLINE: 0800 328 5678

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