The Oxford Mail has teamed up with Central to bring you features every day this week on relationships. Today's topic is separation and divorce.Tonight on Central TV, newsreader Carol Barnes is looking at life after the split. She talks to men and women who have lived through the experience and what steps they have taken to make it as civilised as possible.

Carol takes over the Life Line slot at 6.55pm and interviews, among others, Irene Priestly, who also talked to the Mail's FIONA TARRANT about her work...

Irene Priestly is sympathetic without being patronising. She's seen people used to being in charge at their lowest ebb, crying like babies and unable to see a future. Irene, 62, is a Relate counsellor and is also in partnership with another professional counsellor, Mike Gage, 54.

Together, the colleagues have run Oxsem - the Oxford Seminars on Relationships - which is a programme for the divorced and separated, for the past ten years. "It's often hard for people who are separated or divorced," explained Irene, a divorcee who lives in east Oxford.

"When couples split up, there's usually one who doesn't want it to happen. That person can feel very rejected and unloved. It's a common feeling. "It's as if they feel they've go a sign around their necks saying 'second-hand goods'," said Mike. The ten-week programme helps put people stop feeling this way about themselves.

"You can't change someone else's behaviour and a divorce after many years can be very traumatic but we do encourage people to see it as an opportunity for themselves," said Irene.

She is used to seeing women who have devoted their lives to their husbands, only to find the husband has run off with another woman, leaving them with no-one to love because they've forgotten how to love and respect themselves. "We teach them about empowerment. It's about honouring themselves, not about being selfish," said Mike.

The course does much more. It isn't group therapy as such, although everyone meets at the beginning, then splits into smaller groups.

"Some people do say they don't want to talk about themselves in front of others but they're usually the ones who end up doing most of the talking," said Mike.

The programme is an ideal place for people to meet others in similar situations and to know they're not the only ones.

It helps them understand about relationships and why they sometimes end, in order to minimise the likelihood of similar experiences in the future.

"What we always say to people at the beginning of the course is this: 'If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got'. It's all about breaking the same patterns.

People are encouraged to look back on what's happened but not to dwell on it. They're encouraged to look forward, to make new friends who will give them new confidence and to help them grow.

And they do. Irene and Mike are delighted when they get letters from people who've been on the course to say they're in new, much happier relationships, or that they've found happiness in other ways. Irene will appear on Central's Life Line tonight, talking about the programme and the pain of divorce.

"I think it's hard to give advice on how to have a good divorce, it's very painful in the early stages and we make no bones about that.

"But the real message is that things will improve. There are no quick fixes but everyone can get there," said Irene.

LIVING WITH A SENSE OF LOSS

Kathy Miles waited a long time to find the right man. She was 37 when she married and thought that she was then settled for life. It wasn't to be. Just 18 months after her wedding, Kathy's husband, Geoff, walked out on her, saying he wanted out.

"He basically said he hated his job and wasn't happy in our marriage. He said he wanted to move nearer to his children from his first marriage," explained sales administrator Kathy, who is now 42.

He left, met another woman in the area and stayed. He then asked Kathy to divorce him on the grounds of adultery.

The couple had to sell their house and Kathy's world was turned upside down. Her husband hadn't been very good with money and she ended up with nothing to show for her marriage.

Before she met Geoff - a year before her marriage - she had rented a house in the village where she's lived for 20 years and was settled. She thought her marriage would be the icing on the cake. The break-up of her marriage left her shattered. She said: "I felt tortured. I thought I'd never have a decent night's sleep again. I felt empty and desolate.

"I'd waited a long time to get married and I suppose I did have high expectations. I felt like the rug had been pulled from under me and that I'd never be happy again."

As time has passed, Kathy feels differently. "I went on a ten-week recovery course for the recently divorced and that was very helpful. I met new friends and rebuilt my confidence.

*The names in this article have been changed to protect Kathy's real identity. She has had no contact with her ex-husband and because he still lives in the Oxford area, she wanted to keep it that way

HELP YOURSELF TO SURVIVE A DIVORCE

1. Learn to love yourself and rebuild your self-esteem. Remember that after divorce you have no-one to justify yourself to except your children, who will probably welcome a more outgoing you

2. Keep up the routines of daily life. Children will exploit weaknesses, like breaking from normal habits (like bed times) and make life more complicated and exhausting 3. TAvoid blaming. If the situation can't be changed and you can't change another person's behaviour, try not to see yourself as the victim. You only end up with a sense of inferiority

4. Don't wallow in self pity. It destroys the bitter person. Reach out and help someone else instead. it'll make your own problems seem less daunting

5. Don't start a new, tit-for-tat relationship. With an unresolved first relationship, the second is bound to fail and it's not fair on your innocent new choice!

6. Don't look back. Be optimistic and believe things will get better

7. Take steps to ensure the break is a clean one, particularly when it comes to finances

8. Don't alienate the in-laws if you have kids. Grandparents can help keep stability but they should keep silent about blame or taking sides

9. Look out for laughter. Don't become a glum! Cultivate friendships with people who make you laugh. Laughter is a medically-proven anti-depressant

10. Live one day at a time. Practise forgiveness, like exercise, a little bit every day. Reconcile your differences with your partner in your own mind and set yourself free for the future.

RELATIONSHIPS WEEK HOTLINE: 0800 328 5678

Converted for the new archive on 30 June 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.