It seems you would have to spend a great many pennies to raise the quality of many of the toilets of the Football League, writes GEORGE FREW. So much so, in fact, that at least 42 of them couldn't even be described as, excuse me, bog standard.

The just-published Football Fans Guide contains a special survey of the League's 92 loos which makes for interesting reading - ideal subject matter for those times when one is ensconsed in the smallest room in the house, or languishing in the lavvy.

Those of us who were raised standing on the terraces of Anfield or Hampden Park are, of course, familiar with the cry of "Mind your back, Jimmy!", usually uttered in a tortured scream before a terrible stream announces its presence on the back of your legs in a warm, moist, horrible fashion.

In fact, for years I used to suspect that former Roxy Music keyboards player Brian Eno named his solo album Here Come The Warm Jets after spending 90 minutes at the football ground of his choice. Vile, indeed, but given the state of a lot of football ground lavatories, it's hardly surprising that a lot of people - well OK, a lot of men - preferred to, er, stand their ground.

And where do our own beloved Oxford United come in this survey?

Number 60, actually, in the section sub-titled "Graffiti, Puddles and Wildlife".

"Hmm... I thought that it might be," says Daniel Curtis, editor of U's fanzine Yellow Fever. "It's not surprising really, given the age and the state of the Manor Ground. And is it worth it, doing up the toilets for just one season?

"When we get our new ground, it'd be nice to think that we'd have nice new toilets too.

"But at the moment, they're not that grim - you don't need waders and there's no dreadful graffiti. Have you seen Hull City's toilets? Compared to them, ours are not that bad.

"Actually, I'm more concerned that they improve the quality of the food."

God and a few diehard supporters know what the quality of Hull City's grub is like, but in the loos survey, they come an eye-popping 90th - which makes them the owners of the third-worst khazi in the league. You can find them in the section "Cross Your Legs and Pray". 'Nuff said.

And who wins the Best of the Bogs award? QPR, believe it or not. Rangers might not have a top-flight team, but it's certainly the place to go for a premier pee.

Brace yourself before I inform you who has won the MATITLA prize - Most Awful Toilet in the League Award. Step forward with heads bowed in shame, Mansfield Town. The authors of the survey found the loos at Field Mill "defied description".

Which beggars belief. And makes you wonder if Mansfield fans emerge from their loos muttering "For this relief, much thanks".

Previous news story

Converted for the new archive on 30 June 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.