They're the sort of people who have no need of telephones and no use for fax machines or e-mail - because they have only to open their mouths and the chances are that you'll be able to hear them in the next postal district, writes GEORGE FREW.

They are, in a word - and it's a word of 98 decibels plus - LOUD.

It is a case of "No hearing aid required" when this lot are around. The League of the Loud draws its members from many walks of life, especially - although by no means exclusively - from the world of football.

A recent time and motion survey, for example, discovered that during the course of a single Ryman League match, the manager and coach of one of the teams were recorded on no fewer than 16 occasions as having vocal levels five decibels above that of a 747 on the point of take-off. For those with sensitive hearing, these sort of levels can be physically painful. Yer ears might bleed.

Standing next to Oxford United manager Malcolm Shotton at a match is not a good idea either. Mal believes in getting his message over to his troops across the touchline, although there are those who will tell you that the Shotton shout would be able to reach them were they playing across the Channel and he was standing on top of the White Cliffs.

One-time Us manager Ron Saunders was probably more famous for his incapacitating icy glare, but when it came to making his feelings known, he was always capable of launching the verbal equivalent of a B-52 bombing raid in the dressing room.

Ron always reminded you of Windsor Davies and all the other purple-faced furies of NCOs who bawled and screamed themselves hoarse at helpless army conscripts.

It's tempting to wonder how the young Rev Ian Paisley might have made his feelings known to the putative Mrs Paisley in the days of their courtship. Perhaps Dr Paisley leaned toward her and tenderly boomed in her shell-like, "DO YOU LOVE ME, WOMAN?" in his soft, familiar, romantic tones. No doubt he slipped the engagement ring on her finger when she'd recovered from the shock and her ears had stopped ringing.

Fred Elliott of Coronation Street is another one who has never heard of a whisper, careless or otherwise.

The truth is that, when it comes to making himself heard, if not necessarily understood, big Fred couldn't care less how many eardrums he ruptures in the immediate vicinity.

"I eat a pound of raw meat fer me breakfast. I SAY I EAT A POUND OF RAW MEAT FER ME BREAKFAST," he'll intone with the subtlety of the roaring boy he is. Living in the same street as him must be like dwelling within range of an orchestra of pneumatic drills.

Brian Blessed is another noisy bloke. The burly Blessed's actor tones sound like the beginning of a serious earthquake and come spewing out of his bushy bearded mouth like the aural version of an angry volcano. When he was in the children's teatime programme Arthur of the Britons, small nippers across the nation used to put their hands over their ears and hide behind the sofa whenever he appeared.

Noise is one of the curses of the late 20th century and loud people are its priests and priestesses, the cacophony's clergy.

Scientists revealed this week that they believe noise levels can even affect how long we live.

Imagine if you had to live and work beside someone like Jack Regan from The Sweeney.

"SHUT IT!"

"Stop shouting."

"I CAN'T!"

They didn't make that spoof advert by accident, you know.

Of course, in some lines of work, a loud voice is not only an advantage, it is a positive requirement. Take Madam Speaker's job in the House of Commons, for instance. She should really be known as Madam Bawler, but it's hardly her fault, since she has to compete with those baying voices from both sides of the House. Betty Boothroyd used to be a Tiller Girl, of course, and they might have been known for their cracking pins, but they were never confused with an order of Trappists, which has clearly stood Betty in good stead.

But just as the race is not always to the swiftest, so the person with the loudest voice is not always the one folk listen to. As the American President Theodore Roosevelt once said: "Speak softly and carry a big stick - you will go far."

Now shut up.

*A decibel is a measure of sound intensity. The greater the number, the louder the sound, so places like libraries have decibel levels of around 20-50 - about the same as a church.

At the other end of the scale, airports are noisy places. Concorde taking off, for example, has a decibel level of 140. Prolonged exposure to this sort of racket is not recommended. PUMP UP THE VOLUME

Ten hits about noise:

1. ShoutLulu

2. Whispering Grass

Don Estelle and

Windsor Davies

3. It's Oh So QuietBjork

4. Cum On Feel the Noize

Slade

5. Twist and Shout

The Beatles

6. Wake Up Little Susie

Everly Brothers

7. I Talk to the Trees

Clint Eastwood

8. Shout to the Top

Style Council

9. Boom Bang-a-Bang

Lulu (again)

10. Let's Have a Quiet Night InDavid Soul

Converted for the new archive on 30 June 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.