When Hilary Caldicott was told her best friend had driven to a quiet country lane a week before Christmas and taken a fatal overdose she was naturally devastated, writes KATHERINE MacALISTER.

Hilary, 44, from Eynsham, spent years getting over the consequences and thinking, "if only I had phoned her that evening or popped round".

Now she realises there is little she could have done. Her friend was intent on committing suicide away from prying eyes.

"She definitely did not want anyone to find her. It wasn't a cry for help.

"People make assumptions about suicide. We all knew she was depressed but because she had a 12-year-old child, none of us thought she'd go that far. She was such a wonderful person," Hilary said.

"She was suffering from depression and had taken time off work, then her father died and a relationship ended.

"Christmas looming was just the last straw. I don't think she could see an end to her despair.

"She phoned me the night before she died. She would often phone me early in the morning because depressives find it very hard to sleep. I knew she felt a burden to me just because I listened. I told her to come over, I was just decorating my flat. She said she might, but never showed." As director of Oxfordshire's Mind, the mental health charity, Hilary is able to look back reflectively on her friend's death 12 years ago.

"People who commit suicide think they deserve to die, that they are a burden, that it's best for everyone concerned. They are beyond reach in many cases, especially in their own minds."

"But her funeral was absolutely packed. There were so many people there that loved her but she couldn't see it."

At the time, Hilary overcame her grief by meeting other close friends and talking it over.

"Talking it through was definitely the best thing for me. I was not embarrassed about crying in front of people about it. But I did come across some unhelpful reactions - pull yourself together, that sort of thing - which is no help at all."

Now Hilary's main regret is that her friend didn't think more about the effect her death would have on her son. "He has suffered so much as a result."

Other people do not have the same support network as Hilary, but now there is light at the end of the tunnel in the form of Sobs - Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide - a new self-help group in Oxfordshire for friends and family of the deceased. A recent episode of EastEnders brought the issue to public attention, when failed car dealer Roy Evans vowed to end it all by jumping off the top of a multi-storey car park.

It was only Frank Butcher's reminder of what he was leaving behind that stopped him. "Who will identify your body, attend your inquest and sort out your debts and children?" were the questions fired at him.

As Ruth Ramm knows, they are seldom questions asked by those contemplating suicide and it's the survivors who live with the consequences. That's why she set up Sobs from her Harwell home.

"When people are suffering from deep depression it is almost paralysing. Suicides tend to happen when people are on the road to recovery because they can do things and make decisions," she said.

That's why people like Ruth and Hilary are so critical of the way patients are discharged from hospital at their most vulnerable time.

But Ruth is keen to concentrate on the living, rather than the dead. She is a good listener, having been an occupational therapist before she settled down to life as a vicar's wife and mum of three.

Although no blood relative has committed suicide, she has experienced friends trying to kill themselves. One of her son's friends hanged himself in a school corridor. The 63-year-old said a lot of unanswered questions are left by those who commit suicide. 'Why?' is the obvious one.

"There is intense guilt that they could have stopped it, anger that they have been left, loss that they have been abandoned by everyone from God to those they love most in the world, reflection that somehow it was their fault, something they did, and shock, disbelief."

Loved ones also have to endure identifying the body, attending the funeral and inquest and learning to get on with life.

On top of all this, they can also discover friends and colleagues find it hard to react and do not know what to say.

"Instead of confronting the issue, many ignore it or even avoid the bereaved. Thus they find themselves shunned and further isolated. Others are told to simply pull themselves together. Anniversaries are especially difficult."

It's not a happy picture, and although there are other groups who can listen, such as The Samaritans or Mind, Ruth is confident Sobs can offer long-term help and recovery in confidence.

"It's not for everyone. Some might not be ready to talk. But on the whole it's a relief for them to find someone else in the same boat who understands. It's all about listening."

Sobs meets on the first Wednesday evening of every month in Oxford. The helpline number is 01235 863060.

The Samaritans can be reached on 01865 722122 and Mind on 01865 511702. THE GRIM STATISTICS

*Last year alone 3,581 men and 1,257 women committed suicide.

*That's an average of 13 a day, or one every 84 minutes - as many as are killed on the roads

75 per cent of suicides are men

*The number of suicides has risen 118 per cent in 10 years

*20 per cent of deaths in young people are caused by suicide, compared with a one per cent average overall

*The biggest male group is aged 15-24, but for women it's 35-44.

*Those most at risk are young men, sufferers of mental illness or depression, drug or alcohol abusers, people with poor employment prospects, those suffering loss, death of a family member or the end of a relationship, and people with money, exam or work worries

*50 per cent of suicide attempts succeed

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