Christmas survival guide

I was in innocent ignorance of this festive minefield before I settled down into domestic bliss.

Christmas at my parents had always been an orgy of excessive boozing, eating, pressies and great merriment amid numerous friends and family. It was my favourite day of the year and I would rather garrotte myself than miss it.

But now garrotte myself I must, as politics and compromise come into play.

The advent of grandchildren for my parents and in-laws has merely increased the tug-of-war.

Christmas at the "other end", so to speak, is a much more subdued affair of stilted conversation, practical presents and TV, but I must go with gritted teeth and a decidedly "Bah, humbug" attitude. The situation is worsened by a four-and-a-half hour drive each way between venues with a baby. Oh bliss. I can hardly wait.

Those with stepchildren have the added problems of trying to be all things to all people, or even spending Christmas alone while their child is with the former spouse.

So the debate of his, yours or ours goes on.

If you get your own way you'll be made to feel guilty as hell and only have to go to his next year.

Agreeing may mean Merry Christmas is a myth and Miserable Christmas is much more likely. But inviting them all to your house means endless slaving over a hot stove, family squabbles and a claustrophobia bordering on insanity.

So what do you do and how do you keep everyone happy - not least yourself?

Cheryl and Ian Chapman have tried many alternatives but have now decided that staying at home is best.

The 34-year-old Haddenham mum has a four-year-old son, parents in Wales and in-laws in Manchester. A rather frosty relationship with her northern relations and a hectic one with her parents helped her make the decision to stay at home.

When they do venture up north it is just for the day, and never at Christmas.

But she does have a fantasy about a little cottage or hotel in Yorkshire, a log fire, snow - and no relatives.

When they first married, Cheryl and Ian would travel to Wales, but the tension about who ate what, who drank what, how long the men spent in the pub, plus a lack of conversation at the dinner table and the sheer distance soon began to pall.

Teacher Cheryl said: "To start with I lied and said I had a bar job so couldn't go home. Then, when I had my son, we used him as an excuse. We did go back to Wales once but it took half the day to pack up the car and the other half to get there.

"Now we have a lovely, relaxed Christmas at home and do everything at our own pace. I used to feel very guilty about it but sometimes you have to think about yourselves and be selfish." And her advice is: "There is plenty of time over the Christmas period to visit relatives. You don't have to do it on Christmas Day and with today's technology you don't have to trek around the country making yourself miserable.

"And of course, alcohol helps," she added.

Marriage guidance service Relate has issued a Christmas survival guide. Spokesman Lucy Selleck said Christmas was one of the organisation's busiest times.

She advised talking as the way forward for a peaceful Yule.

"It's about compromise, negotiation and communication. Sit down and talk it through. If you can't decide where to go for Christmas, try alternating between parents.

"Remember, you knew what you were taking on when you married or moved in with your partner, so try to accommodate them.

"On the other hand, there is nothing worse than a partner sitting and sulking for the whole day because they don't want to be there. They should support the decision and act accordingly.

"And take the practicalities into consideration. Long journeys with young kids can be a nightmare.

"Make time to relax as well. It is meant to be fun, so don't overdo it. Lots of rows are caused by sheer exhaustion and stress." HOW TO GET THROUGH THE FESTIVE MINEFIELD

Here are our top ten tips for staying sane this Christmas:

1. Sit down with your partner and highlight what problems you might encounter, especially concerning relatives. Work out in advance where you will go, how it will work, where the guests will sleep and so on.

2. Highlight what your partner can do to help. Let them know when and where you need help and support.

3. Deal with in-laws in a firm but friendly manner. Stress that it's his responsibility to deal with his parents while you are cooking and stop his mother interfering, instead of waiting until you chuck her out of the kitchen. Take them for a drink or leave them in charge of the grandchildren for half an hour.

4. Put on a united front. Get any arguments out of the way long before you arrive at your Christmas location or the guests arrive, otherwise everyone will pick up on the vibes.

5. Be realistic about what to expect and achieve, then you will not be disappointed.

6. Look at Christmas as a way of getting rid of cobwebs, old gripes and arguments, not as an excuse for creating new ones. 7. If alcohol and violence are connected in your family, avoid booze where possible.

8. Be sensible about spending - work out a budget. Panic buying is not the answer. Do not spend the rest of the year paying for your excesses.

9. A thoughtful present is more rewarding than an expensive but useless one.

10. Set aside a family day of your own with just your partner and children.

*Christmas is the busiest time of year for the Samaritans. A spokesman explained: "It's a great time of stress because people feel such a lot of pressure to have a good time."

With couples thrown together often for much longer periods than they ever experience at other times, it can be a recipe for divorce.

Lawyers report that the number of clients seeking matrimonial advice soars in early January, after the Christmas period is over.

Christmas calls to the Samaritans are up by 14 per cent, while in the New Year this shoots up to 26 per cent.

Converted for the new archive on 30 June 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.