I'm dumping you, darling

Some people never get over it, while others carry their problems into the next relationship, a recipe for disaster.

So, Relate, the marriage guidance counselling service, has come to the rescue with a Life After The Break package.

It is aimed at anyone willing to give relationships another go, but determined not to make the same mistakes again. It's also for those yearning for independence who are still scared of being on their own, having been in a long-term relationship.

And to guide you through the often difficult and painful process is Joanna Hobart.

The 55-year-old from Clifton Hampden has been a counsellor and trainer for eight years and relishes her new preventative role.

"This course is definitely for those who are ready to take a look at what went wrong and take steps to move on," she said, "Although the fact that people are coming to the class usually indicates that they are ready." Joanna also stressed the course was not for serial daters wanting advice on how to hold down a serious relationship, or those suffering from bereavement.

Life After The Break came about in response to requests from Relate clients whose relationships had irretrievably broken down. "Their marriage may have broken up or relationship ended and they were scared about entering new ones in case the same problems emerged," Joanna explained.

"Those who have finished a relationship carry huge feelings of guilt around with them, while those who have been at the receiving end suffer from a lack of confidence and feelings of rejection.

"And there are those who know if they felt better about themselves they could dare to be on their own, rather than entering another relationship."

But what actually goes on at these classes? Joanna said: "We aim to break the pattern so people can build on their failed relationships.

"For example if someone feels they have been continually put down they will lack confidence and self-worth.

"We start off by finding out what people expect to gain from the class and then establish where they are at this point in their lives.

"We go back to find out where they have learned to relate to other people, who their role-models are and where they learnt their behaviour patterns. For example, who paid the bills, was the wage-earner and did the housework in their parents household? They may subconsciously expect the same pattern in their own relationships or rebel against it. "We use this to show how they relate and communicate with others and help them to deal with their feelings of anger, guilt, hurt and loss. Even if someone thinks they are ready to move on they may not realise how much resentment is still stored up inside.

"We also spend several weeks on children. One of the group's main preoccupations is the effect the break has had on their kids and the best way of minimising the damage, as well as looking at how to deal with family and friends who are often split between the two parties.

"People are often surprised by the results. They had never noticed their social conditioning and how it affects them. They often find out things about themselves which help them move on." But if you're worried about spilling details of your failed relationship - fear not.

"What people actually share with the rest of the group is up to them. People can take out of it what they want." But one thing Joanna does notice is how much people change by the end of the eight weeks. She says they leave with a skip in their step and hope for the future, rather than a sense of depression and foreboding.

*Life After The Break begins on April 21 for men and women. The eight-week course takes up two hours every Wednesday night at the Relate centre, in Iffley Road, Oxford. The course costs £85 but, as with all Relate courses and counselling, no-one will be turned away for financial reasons. Contact Relate on (01865) 242960.

Story date: Saturday 10 April

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