Is marriage dead?

And, since 1992, 30,000 fewer couples have walked up the aisle, yet the number of those choosing to co-habit has trebled since 1981. The Government estimates that by 2021 this figure will have doubled again.

So should you tie the knot? Katherine MacAlister asked three Oxfordshire couples. *Ruth Castle, nee Spooner, is a beaming newly-wed who was swept off her feet last Christmas and got married nine months later.

Ruth did not believe in love at first sight until she met Andrew. And he immediately knew she was the one for him and after a few weeks Ruth, 27, had fallen head over heels in love.

The pair, who now live on a houseboat off Donnington Bridge Road, got married in Florida in September, avoiding having to wait a year to book the church and plan a traditional wedding. But despite their whirlwind romance Ruth thought long and hard about her vows. "We wanted to get married while it was still fresh and exciting. If you live together for years and years you lose that and often get married to try to get that spark back, which is why statistically people are more likely to get divorced after living together first.

"But I'm not living in cloud cuckooland. I know we'll have our ups and downs. Everyone argues, don't they. But I'm prepared to compromise and take the highs with the lows."

Ruth, a catering manager, had previously been in a ten-year relationship: "We planned to get married eventually but if we had really wanted to I think we would have made more effort. It obviously just wasn't meant to be and we just drifted on and on without making a commitment." Andrew had also been in a long relationship, and even had a child, but hadn't made a move to make it more permanent.

But when he saw Ruth he knew instantly she was the one for him. And after several months of 'courting' he proposed at 2am in a rowing boat on the river.

"I am totally in love with him, so said yes straight away," Ruth says. "Being married is different to just living with someone. I feel different. I know he'll be there for me every night when I come home and he's mine.

"Marriage is an extra commitment but if you know its right and want the extra security then go for it," she advises.

"I think if you're married you make more effort with the relationship. I'm old-fashioned and once married, I'm married for life and proud of it." *Sue and Mark have been 'an item' for six years, have travelled round the world together, bought a house together, have a joint bank account and share a cat, but they aren't married and have no intention of walking down the aisle.

"We are comfortable as we are. I don't see what difference a piece of paper will make," Mark says.

"I know how I feel about Sue and I'm 100 per cent committed to our relationship. What would change if we were married?" he asks. "We have discussed it. We have a standing joke. I ask if she wants to get married and she says 'no thanks I'm busy'," he laughs. The couple are obviously happy as they are and busy doing up their new house together in Bicester.

Sue Fairbairn says: "For the first time in my life I'm earning some decent money and I want to spend it on me and Mark and be out having a good time.

"I don't want to be saving it all for a wedding. It costs about £10,000 to get married and I would resent spending that just for a piece of paper to justify how we feel about each other.

"On the other hand there is all the presents and I do need a new three-piece suite..." she laughs. But if they did split up, marriage or no marriage, it would still be a legal nightmare: "We'd have to sell the house and our possessions and who would get the cat? It would be as difficult as if we were Mr and Mrs Curran," Sue says.

The 27-year-old's admit their own parents' relationships might have influenced them: "Both our parents are divorced and are very cynical about marriage which might have rubbed off on us," Sue admits.

And Mark adds: "Hosting a wedding and having to invite both our families would be a logistical nightmare." But because a lot of their friends are getting hitched or starting families the couple are often asked about their future: "It annoys me. People keep saying 'you'll be next' but we won't, we are happy as we are," Mark says. "I don't think we'd consider getting married until we want children," he adds.

"And if we do get married we'll just get on a plane and go and do it somewhere exotic."

Sue agrees: "If we did tie the knot it wouldn't be for our friends or family.

"The only person that would need to be there is Mark," she says.

Who said romance was dead? *When Lucy Hare caught sight of Dougald, on a reluctant blind date, she knew he was the one. But it would be five years before they tied the knot.

They met when they were students at Oxford Brookes University and within the year had moved in together. But it wasn't until three years later that they lived on their own.

Lucy, 27, always knew she wanted to marry Dougald and was just waiting to be asked.

So when he proposed she was delighted. The couple walked up the aisle in May and are currently house-hunting in Bicester. Dougald, 27, says: "I just thought I'd see how things went and four years down the line thought, yes, I could quite happily spend the rest of my life with this person."

But why get married at all? Mrs Humphries says: "I think deep down we're both old-fashioned. Dougald once said to me he never wanted to get married and I was deeply disappointed. But I suppose he must have changed his mind. Maybe we both just grew-up.

"When we both got proper jobs and bought a house we suddenly had a stable future and I think that's when he changed his mind. "Being married hasn't changed anything on the surface. Day-in day-out is the same and you'd be daft to expect anything else. But there is a stronger bond and sense of commitment now."

Many cite their own parents' divorce as a reason not to get married, but Dougald is unfazed by the breakdown of his own parents' marriage: "My parents should never have got married in the first place. They had nothing in common and that became increasingly apparent over the 20 years they were together.

"Lucy and me on the other hand have everything in common so I would never compare myself to them." Lucy also sees marriage as the prior step to having children. "For me it was important to be married before I had children. I think it makes you more of a family unit."

But the blushing bride readily admits that she would have stayed with Dougald whatever, even if he'd never got round to asking her. Fact file *Britain isn't the only country where the marriage rate has fallen. In Europe the rate has also sunk dramatically and in the US the number of unmarried couples has doubled from 38 million to 77 million during the past 30 years.

*Those who do get hitched are waiting until they are older. The average age for men ten years ago was 26 and for women 24 but now is 28 and 26 respectively.

*Long engagements are also on the increase, now averaging 14 months.

*Four in ten marriages end in divorce *80 per cent of young people do want to end up married.

*In 1999 alone 350,000 couples intended to get married.

*The proportion of the adult population who are married will fall from 55 per cent in 1996 to 45 per cent by 2021.

*The number of co-habiting couples will double over the next 25 years *Prof Richard Scase, an expert on the topic, said men were the main perpetrators for the falling numbers of marriages saying they are scared of the commitment, the marriage ritual and being taken to the cleaners

*Suzie Hayman from Relate said that young men today are commitment phobic, often because their parents' marriages ended in divorce.

Story date: Monday 06 December

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