Love used to be wild, untamed. Rick saving Ilsa at the Casablanca airport, Scarlet and Rhett's fiery romance, the suicides of Romeo and Juliet, William Morris and Christina Rossetti, Bonnie and Clyde, Edward the Eighth sacrificing the throne for Mrs Wallace Simpson - the gestures were large, the emotion epic.
This is the way of the Western World, all pearls and moonshine. The arranged marriages of India and Asia induce chills and shudders. What about love?
What indeed? Some are abandoning romance and its attendant giddiness, heartbreak and pitfalls. After all, 40 per cent of British marriages end in divorce and the Government believes the trend will get worse. Practical partnerships are gaining popularity, affectionate unions of the like-minded...similar to arranged marriages, really, except without the aid of professional matchmakers and wedding brokers. Enter the personal ads.
The traditional lonely hearts plea - "Guy needs girl for romance - is on the wane, replaced by miniature socio-economic portfolios.
Take November's best-selling female advert in the Oxford Mail's Two's Company page: "Attractive lady, 45, own house and car WLTM an honest, caring gentleman in a similar situation to herself. Must be easy-going and have GSOH." Her bluntness is hardly an impassioned plea for undying love. Maybe she'll combine bank accounts some day with the "airline captain, 38, tall, attractive seeking attractive mature lady for fun times". That's if he doesn't opt for the "sweet petite professional lady".
The pilot isn't the only fellow luring in the ladies with a lush CV. He is joined by a "handsome black guy, working, engineer by profession" and "27-year-old, IT professional, 5ft5, n/s, own home, with varied interests".
Practicality is a universal trait, apparently. Two local adverts were placed by a "6ft professional gay male" and a "gorgeous professional post-op male-to-female lesbian". These high-flyers are counter-balanced, however, by the amazingly honest "isolated, mild, manic depressive (that is, no tattoos, earrings etc), educated but unreasonably impecunious, seeks proportionate plump lady, under 40. Enjoys talking rubbish with good wines."
Well, they can't say he didn't warn them...
An American study confirms this practical trend, revealing that people are rejecting the notion of falling in love on a whim. Researchers saw personal ads as a return to pragmatism.
Anthropologists and psychologists collaborated on the paper, SWF ISO LTR: The quest for love and meaning in the personals. They found adverts had gained in popularity over the last 30 years, with professional and working people trying their luck. Traditionally, lonely hearts were more lower middle class. Researchers discovered that men are more hesitant to reveal their looks. When they confess, it's about height more often than weight or build. They also dwell on their honesty, humour and sensitivity - the New Man thing, apparently.
Despite their secrecy, chaps are still seeking youth and beauty, while women crave financial security and responsibility. Yet even the ladies shy away from certain revelations. They often describe their body type, but rarely admit to being overweight - "full figured" is the term of choice.
The researchers praised the new sensible ads, which match characteristics and economic stability. It's not mercenary, it's not gold-digging, they claim, it's just practical. Car-ownership is another excellent bait and there are plenty of takers, like the "quiet, reserved, well-built brunette seeking an extroverted male 34-40, preferably a car owner" and the "two women, 18, wanting two men, preferably smokers with cars."
Perhaps Madonna was right, and it is a material world. Four wheels and some property can at least land you a date in Oxfordshire.
But it isn't all bank balance flirtation, mental stability is important too. An "honest and caring male, 49, divorced with own home" promotes himself as "sane and solvent". This very phrase is echoed a "trendy attractive female" hoping for a "similar sane and solvent fun-loving woman for socialising". Rachel ups the ante on them all. House, car and a size 10-12, she's a strawberry blonde in search of a gentleman, "looks not important".
Yet romance still flourishes in the newsprint columns, like the 32-year-old male hunting for a bohemian princess to spoil. Or his 43-year-old compatriot, who urges: "Walk with me, smile with me and let's feel good together".
Meanwhile a "cuddly, tubby female" desires to meet her soulmate, a "knight in shining armour".
More in tune with the times, a "Pamela Anderson look-a-like, blonde bombshell, 27, seeks good looking, educated male, 30s-40s, with longish/overgrown hair, David Cassidy style." And, of course, the horribly cynical - yet yearning - chap who wrote: "Fossilization is imminent for 35-year-old, 5ft11, slim, n/s male, enjoys keeping fit, cinema".
He describes himself as "non bubbly, terrible SOH" but seeks similar female "to delay extinction".
It may not be pearls and moonshine, but at least it's truth in advertising.
Story date: Thursday 23 December
Converted for the new archive on 30 June 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.
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