Alli slimming pills went on sale over the counter at pharmacists this week, giving the nation’s fatties a hope of a trimmer tomorrow. Myself, I shan’t be needing them, having been made aware of a rival product that, frankly, puts alli firmly in the shade. It is called the Size-Zero Pill because it is capable of reducing you, in an instant to . . . well, size zero.

News of this remarkable potion was delivered to my door in the form of a letter, marked “Private and Highly Confidential”. It was addressed to a Mr Gordon Woods, a gentleman who is unknown at my residence for the simple reason that he has never lived there (or, indeed, anywhere else, I feel sure).

What astonishing news this letter contained of “the ultimate weapon against flab”.

A flyer boasted: “No more harsh diets or struggles with guilty eating, no more exercises [sic] regimes or pressure to go to the gym, just a quick and easy weight loss way day after day after day!”

But how does it work?

“It’s easy because scientists have recently discovered a totally new way to burn fat – without the usual starvation diets or back breaking exercises. Within seconds of taking the first safe, small pill, the 100 per cent natural plant ingredients will BURN-OFF thousands of fat cells from your body.”

Curiously we are not told how much this miracle aid will cost. We have to send to an address in Belgium to find out. I shan’t bother, merely remain grateful to the makers of this quack product for bringing comedy to my life. No line in the letter made me chuckle more than the claim: “No matter how much you eat or how often, you won’t be able to stop losing weight.”

I laughed all the way to the fridge.