The razor-sharp intellects of Hercule Poirot and Miss Marple would struggle to unravel The Curious Case of the Completely Pointless Sequel.

Let’s review the evidence: the death of Shawn Levy’s 2006 remake of The Pink Panther at the box office; the kidnapping of anything resembling a joke from a script co-written by leading man Steve Martin; and the poisoning of nostalgic affection for the films starring Peter Sellers.

Three years later, Martin dons the moustache and vacant stare of ham-fisted Inspector Clouseau once more in this lamentable second outing which is, unthinkably, even more relentlessly silly and dull than its predecessor. The Pink Panther 2 is an embarrassment, revolving yet again around the theft of the legendary diamond from under ze noses of ze gendarme in ze French capital.

The convoluted plot, clumsily stitched together by screenwriters Scott Neustadter, Michael H. Weber and Martin, is a hook for desperately unfunny set pieces which include Clouseau falling down a chimney, donning the guise of a flamenco dancer (see right) and impersonating the Pope.

Regrettably, the most accomplished sequence – an ill-fated trip to a restaurant where Clouseau decides to choose his own bottle of wine – is included almost in its entirety in the trailer, robbing Harald Zwart’s picture of its one and only chance of a chuckle.

Long-suffering Chief Inspector Dreyfus (John Cleese) consigns bumbling Inspector Clouseau (Martin) to traffic duty to minimise potential damage to the public.

Out of the blue, Clouseau is seconded to the Dream Team – a team of detectives from around the world including Vincenzo (Andy Garcia), Pepperidge (Alfred Molina) and Kenji (Yuki Matsuzaki), who have been assigned to track down an elusive thief known as The Tornado.

The case becomes personal when The Tornado steals The Pink Panther gem, increasing the pressure on Clouseau to unmask the perpetrator. Aided by trusty sidekick Ponton (Jean Reno), devoted secretary Nicole (Emily Mortimer) and beautiful author Sonia (Bachchan), Clouseau pursues the elusive culprit in his own “unorthodox, oblique” style.

The Pink Panther 2 opens to the strains of Henry Mancini’s theme tune but the similarities to the Sellers films end there.

Martin goofs, gurns and flings himself into each misadventure with gusto but the slapstick is telegraphed in advance, whether it be tripping over a rope and destroying a crime scene, or setting an entire restaurant on fire.

While The Pink Panther 2 leaves us caterwauling for mercy this week, Hotel For Dogs turns out to be a decidedly finer pedigree of comedy, adapted from the book by Lois Duncan. Thor Freudenthal ignores the advice about working with children and animals to direct this family-oriented tale of two enterprising orphans, whose enduring love for their four-legged friends sparks a magical adventure.

The premise is barking mad and the scriptwriters unleash themselves from reality early on, but there is a sweetness and innocence to the film, albeit with an excess of mawkish sentiment.

Andi (Emma Roberts) and her younger brother Bruce (Jake T. Austin) have passed from one foster home to the next, eventually landing up with musicians Carl and Lois Scudder (Kevin Dillon, Lisa Kudrow), who care more about rehearsals than feeding two brats. So Andi and Bruce learn to take care of themselves, concealing their Jack Russell, Friday, from the animal-hating Scudders.

During an altercation with local police, the siblings seek shelter in an abandoned hotel, which turns out to be home for two strays: a Bull Mastiff called Lenny and a nervous Boston Terrier called Georgia.

Friday takes a shine to the homeless duo and Andi and Bruce hit upon a novel idea: to employ the boy’s knack for inventions to transform the disused building into a sanctuary for strays, thereby saving the animals from possible extermination.

Pet store workers Dave (Johnny Simmons) and Heather (Kyla Pratt), and bored local kid Mark (Troy Gentile) lend helping hands and soon the streets are completely clear of animals, all living and pooping in perfect harmony in the hotel.

However, Andi, Bruce and the gang can’t keep the hotel secret forever and when the soon-to-be-unemployed dogcatchers grow suspicious, the kids risk their own futures to save the animals, to the dismay of caring social worker, Bernie (Don Cheadle).