Dull music, people gawping like guppy fish ... and yet RICHARD BELL had a great time at Kukui.

TUESDAY nights never tend to be a success for clubs; for some reason everyone seems to like staying in.

That’s why on a late January Tuesday night, I am not surprised to see the entrance to Kukui, on Park End Street, utterly deserted save for a couple of doormen and a cold and lonely-looking smoker.

However, as we all know, you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover. The place is in fact heaving, every bar rammed, the dance floor packed and the queue for the cloakroom so long it snakes down the stairs as though you’re queuing to ride a rollercoaster. The service is surprisingly quick, the prices cheap, and as more people flood in, I take a moment to just stand next to its wonderful fish tank and ... just watch.

Themed clubs have never been my cup of tea and this is no exception.

Here, they go for a sort of a tiki theme, an exotic escape from the real world, but rather than giving you the impression you’re on a faraway Pacific island, the whole experience tends to make you feel you’re in a zone of the Crystal Maze – which, believe me, is not nearly as much fun as it sounds.

As the DJ does his best with a bland mix of every genre (the kind of thing you hear on one of those awful lads’ holidays to Faliraki), the festivities culminate in a special celebrity appearance from Verne Troyer, Mini-me himself, fresh from Celebrity Big Brother.

I detest these sorts of appearances, where the celebrity merely stands around as people gawp like a pathetic shoal of guppy fish waiting to be fed.

He’s not the only vaguely famous face in the crowd tonight as, to almost nobody’s excitement, Ziggy from the real Big Brother is there as well – a booking almost as inane as the man himself, as his only function seems to be to introduce the much more famous Troyer.

You’d be forgiven for thinking that I’d had an awful time, what with the bland music, ghastly decor and soul-crushing, depressing celebrity appearances.

As I said before, however, you mustn’t judge a book by its cover.

I really did have a great night, and I’ve finally realised why that is.

There’s no pretence about Kukui, it’s not supposed to feel trendy and cool, and it’s not the place to be seen at.

There’s no posing, no pretension, and no people in the corner judging everyone in the club by the songs they dance to and the people they talk to. It is simply an awful lot of fun – simple, honest fun, which is really all anyone should be looking for in a night out, and certainly all I needed...