Christmas with a newborn baby. Aaahh, those cute outfits (four changes by 4pm, to be diplomatic). Aaahh, those lovely photos (crouching painfully by the tree as screaming baby is held dangerously aloft by an elderly relative). Aaahh, the tender moments by the fire (trying to get your baby to latch on as your father-in-law hovers with the buck’s fizz).

When you are expecting a baby in the autumn, the first comment you usually get is: “A baby for Christmas, how lovely”.

But, as with everything baby-related, the reality is that surviving the festive season with a newborn is more hard work than you could possibly imagine.

That said, you can avoid eating cold turkey and conducting your own tearful midnight mass with the steriliser; learn from the mistakes of others and, with a bit of effort, it might even be magical.

The number one rule is to be realistic and firm with your relatives well in advance. You are not going to be able to do lunch with one set of parents, and an evening with the other, without crying at some point — at least if you are anything like me).

If you are annoyingly lucky, you will convince your extended family that you need to spend Christmas at home with just your partner and your baby, so that the three of you can bond. Ha! Fat chance for most of us, but you can at least try to convince them to come to you and bring food.

If your mum is helpful, ask her nicely to arrive a couple of days early and clean your house and make the beds while you do some last-minute present buying/sleeping. If not, cover the whole house with tinsel and no one will be any the wiser.

Make sure all visitors are aware that your baby will probably sleep for most of the day, is too young to be interested in a life-size teddy bear, and will also keep the whole household up for most of the night.

Tell them you will need to keep a fairly loose schedule — for the rest of your life, not just for Christmas — and not to be offended if you need to reclaim your eight-week-old and take him/her into a separate room for quiet moments throughout the day, especially for feeding.

Likewise, assume that baby-free friends know nothing. You may have to point out to them that you have not fallen off the planet and would like an invitation to that party.

Or that a bottle of vodka is not going to be your favourite gift this year, and you do not want them to call you at midnight on New Year’s Eve.

It is a bit like that letter to Santa — if you don’t ask, you won’t get. So, if you fail to explain that you might not be in the mood for Twister four weeks after a Caesarean and just might prefer Scrabble, don’t be upset when you are left on the sidelines.

The hostess with the leastest

This might be your first festive season as a mum, but sadly you won’t have turned into a super-domesticated Mrs Christmas overnight.

Don’t over-reach yourself — no-one will expect you to whip up a three-course lunch in between nappy changes. If you have found the time to create a handmade floral centrepiece, they willl most likely be extremely concerned, not impressed.

In fact, it is a good idea to get in bucket-loads of easy finger food that people can help themselves to whenever they get peckish.

I mistakenly offered to make a lasagne on Christmas Eve when I thought baby was safely asleep for a few hours, while everyone else went to the pub — what was I thinking?

I ended up pointedly throwing burnt bolognese away in a bitter rage when they came home happy and inebriated.

Show guests where the tea and coffee are, where the drinks cabinet is, and ask them to pour you a large brandy. They will at least know what to expect from the off.

Ultimately, everyone wants to enjoy themselves and they won’t be able to do that if you are acting like Nigella Lawson on speed.

The joy of giving

As sure as Christmas won’t be white, you can bet you will be inundated with soft toys from people you haven’t even met.

If you would actually like to receive something useful, make suggestions now. Get it right and you could set your baby up with new clothes to last until her first birthday. Get it wrong and you’ll end up with six pink buggy blankets.

Likewise, it can be tempting to ask your nearest and dearest to buy you something frivolous, like perfume or clothes, but it pays to take the long view.

My mother-in-law offered to get me a dishwasher or a tumble-dryer for my baby’s first Christmas, I asked for spa vouchers instead, and rue this decision every time I wash up late at night, surrounded by racks of still damp sleepsuits.

One note on giving — make sure both sets of grandparents get the same deal. Don’t give one a handmade card with your baby’s footprint on it and the other a photograph in a cute Christmas frame, because they will only want each other’s. Think of it as your first lesson in avoiding squabbles.

For ideas on first Christmas mementoes to give, see www.johnlewis.com and www.mothercare.co.uk — for personalised cards, ‘I Love Grandma’ mugs and imprints of baby’s hands.

You’ll be glad you spent the time and effort getting these sorted when you see how chuffed people are with them, even years later. Christmas and babies are very similar in one way — we moan about all that hard work, but it’s worth it every time.