Big Hair Disco - another indie night, but with some resplendent eighties music thrown in for very good measure. Why should you come here though? I'll compile a list for you. Ready? Here goes...

1. It's £1.50 a pint.

2. It's only £3 to get in after 11.

3. The tunes are sound as a pound. Or any other strange idiom you might like to use to describe hearing all the best, up to date songs you could possibly wish to be played.

4. If you requested Tears for Fears, Ultravox or Simple Minds, they'd probably play it. And people would be dancing. And you could indulge your deepest fantasies of being in The Breakfast Club. Don't be embarrassed, I'd be the first one there to do it!

5. The Cellar has some kind of trashy, reptilian charm to it (I chose reptilian because of all the shed skin that's probably on the floor, possibly explaining the unique aroma that has always been present here). If you can put your finger on the source of The Cellar's charm... well... answers on a postcard please and I might think of a prize.

6. There are normally great live bands on before Big Hair Disco, so you could make a whole evening of it.

Last but not least, what else are you going to do on a Thursday? Apart from go to bed and rest before a hard Friday at work. Like a normal person. But where's the fun in that?

I was reading a rather peculiar article online t'other day, entitled something along the lines of '30 things every man should do'. It sounds dated, but it was quite funny and applies to women too.

One of these things was to practice pulling a sickie from work once in a while - apparently a fine art. So why not give it a go next Friday and get down to Big Hair Disco.

Not that I would know but apparently the best lie to tell is that you've got food poisoning.

No one will question you further because they really don't want you to go into detail about your possibly vomit-inducing movements. It makes perfect sense really! Good luck and I might see you there.

But I digress. Take £20 with you. It'll be plenty. I miss the days when this was enough to go clubbing.

Take a stand against inflation lunacy, stand in solidarity with everyone else at The Cellar.

With your £20 you can have eight pints, pay your entry and have enough left for a taxi home or a big, sweaty pile of doner meat in an unleavened bread frisbee. An off-the-cuff joke perhaps?

Why is the night out that I've just described exactly like Roy Walker's Catchphrase (Say the following answer in Roy Walker's voice)? Because 'it's good, but it's not right!' Leave your morals behind and enjoy yourself.

I'm certain you'll have an unadulterated night of sinful shenanigans.