Sir – No, no, no.  This won’t do at all.  Someone needs to have a serious word with Tim Hughes about how to write a classic The Oxford Times restaurant review (The call of Jericho, January 8).

The first third or so of any review needs to consist of a recitation of all the occasions on which he has been to the same restaurant over the last 40 years or so (this can be combined with library research for his unawaited memoirs). The second part needs to consist of a list (easily copied from the Internet) of all the dishes that he didn’t eat and therefore can’t comment on. The final part is reserved for the meal itself.

The reviewer must eat fish (which will be ‘pearly’, or perhaps ‘opalescent’); his partner will have the burger (Tim Hughes got this bit right, but more by luck than judgement I suspect). This will be followed by cheese for him (likely to be ‘well-kept’); and chocolate pudding for her.

He can, to fill up the word count, if necessary also describe the bus they took to get there; the table they sat at; and the name of the waitress. All of this is designed, of course, to be of no interest to the reader, unless they always eat fish or burgers, and cheese or chocolate.

Actually, it’s best to review a special event at the restaurant, to which you’ve been invited by the friend who owns it — this avoids any possibility that the reader will find out what the place is actually like on a normal evening.

Instead of this, Tim Hughes has just provided us with a description of a typical meal in a local pub, and has hardly talked about himself at all. There have been similar lapses in the past, involving Katherine MacAlister.

Please ensure that in future you revert either to your magisterial colleague, or to someone properly trained to follow in his footsteps.

Jem Whiteley, Oxford