It does what it says on the tin... the fact that the 'tin' in question weighs 4,200 tons, is 297ft long, floats on water, and is driven by a twin screw, doesn't really alter that sentiment.

When the brochure for Hebridean Cruises promises that: 'Life on board is a far cry from the floating hotels, spangled floor shows and casinos of larger cruiseliners..." it's frankly only touching the tip of the iceberg.

Excluded from this boast is the vital fact that the 'ping-pong' sound of passenger announcements, a relentless soundtrack so familiar to anyone who has cruised aboard larger ships, is all but taboo aboard the Hebridean fleet.

As is piped music - anywhere; aerobics for the over-70's on the sundeck; bingo; school-play styled productions of anything by Andrew Lloyd Webber; and 'themed' nights. In short, it's got a bit of class.

Of course, in today's current age of mass travel, such 'class' doesn't come cheap (my cruise would have cost approximately £3,000 per person for seven days); which is why the adage of 'You get what you pay for' deserves the scrutiny only an electron microscope can provide.

Fortunately, I never travel without one.

According to my booking form, the Visual Feast in Italy & Malta voyage started from £3,087 per person, based on two people sharing (that's £6,000 for a couple), and included private return flights from the exclusive Inflite Terminal at Stansted to Naples, all transfers, escorted tours, meals, specially selected wines, spirits and champagne on board, gratuities, port and passenger taxes.

So, because its cost may initially appear so daunting (OK, downright terrifying), let's take a look at what each of these 'inclusive' offers really means: Private return flights - the terminal at Stansted is plush, swimming in Champagne, and stuffed full of pastries, fruit and magazines. You simply check in with your luggage (on a poor day, this takes all of 12 seconds), then enjoy a flute or two.

Your plane waits 20ft from the door, while security staff as welcoming as Nelson Mandela help you through the gate.

Transfers and privately escorted tours - from the moment you arrive at Stansted, just let go...

Fossilise in fact, if you want to, because everything is done for you. For the transfer to the ship, disembarking is child's play, with a coach waiting to whip you away from the usual airport chaos and drop you at the gangplank. Your luggage is delivered - minutes later - straight to your cabin.

As for the tours, they are superbly organised. The ship's tenders whisk you ashore (trust me, this IS stylish and decadent) and no matter what your level of mobility, both the crew and shore guides are equipped to help you.

While not all the tours appealed to me (I didn't want to look around dirty old Naples for instance), I couldn't fault their execution.

However, some passengers complained that each 'excursion' meant another 'ABC' - that's 'Another Bloody Church...'.

Includes all meals, specially selected wines, spirits and Champagne on board, plus gratuities - let's face it, tipping can be embarrassing, so aboard the Hebridean fleet it's banned. Plus, the food is solid haute cuisine but with a hefty dose of Englishness (gourmet fish and chips with mushy peas out-Blackpooled Blackpool), while fine wine-wise, I drank Champagne liberally from 8am to midnight every day, and not once did the ship's purser (or doctor) ask to see me.

Port and passenger taxes - who knows what these are, but not once did I have to put my hand in my pocket.

Are the cruises worth the price tag then? Or are they worth remortgaging for? (thus denying your children of their rightful inheritance?) Well, as for day-to-day life aboard, I reckon it's as close to Heaven as one could wish for - utterly peaceful save for the 'whisp' of an occasional breeze, the gentlest roll of the hull, and the ever-changing panorama of sea and islands sliding by.

On a few days, I spent the afternoon in the Panorama Lounge on the top deck, beautifully furnished and well-stocked with a library of books and DVDs.

And despite there being an ocean outside (or a sea if you want to get technical), all I could hear was the gentle tick-tocking of a wall clock as I reclined in a leather armchair and supped my tea (on cruises such as this, you 'recline' instead of 'sit', 'perspire instead of 'sweat', and 'sup' instead of 'slurp').

Compared with the latest in cruise ship bling (the 15-deck, 2,400-guest Norwegian Gem, which moored alongside us in Naples - see pictures), our vessel looked as elegant as a Porsche Carrera next to a Hummer stretch limo.

With just 49 cabins for 98 guests, the crew to guest ratio is almost one-to-one, with every crew member personally trained by the Marcel Marceau School of Silent Silver Service (during breakfast one morning, a waitress dropped an armful of plates and not even that produced a crash - just a warm and comforting tinkle).

And that's what I couldn't get over; how a crew of 100 could keep a ship afloat without so much as a shout, a spot of hammering or a stream of lurid blasphemy.

So much so in fact that, despite the other guests, I at times felt as if I was cruising alone. And once or twice I even acted that way...

On a practical level, it has to be said the other passengers were considerably more 'mature' than yours truly (and I'm 46), but I swear they were more vibrant, 'sexy' (yes, 'sexy') and fun than many of the twentysomethings I try to avoid. And they drank more heavily.

A cruise aboard the Hebridean Spirit IS a dream holiday, and it IS expensive, but if you've got the money, it's a must. Your memories WILL last forever.

On the other hand, if you haven't got that kind of spare change, that's OK too, because it's aspirational, something to shoot the moon for, like a Rolls Royce or a pair of Jimmy Choos.

And we all need something to drool over.

Boarding pass: For more information and cruise itineraries for the Summer 2008 or Winter 2008-09 Cruises, when Hebridean Spirit will be sailing around South Africa and in the Indian Ocean, see www.hebridean.co.uk or call 01756 704704. Jeremy was on board the only Sicily cruise for this season.