Bottom Line

Just like the Madonna with the big boobies, we had an equally hilarious moment at Pizza Express of all places last week, about bottoms, or more importantly our bottoms.

Which considering we were a bunch of three ladies (quiet in the back) you’ll ascertain was a no-go area. In fact the sirens should have started as soon as our lovely Italian waiter began his ill-fated attempt at conversation.

Because the harder he struggled to free himself, it wasn’t so much a case of a rabbit stuck in the headlights, (at least they still have a chance to escape), but think fish on a line; the more he wriggled, the more entrenched he became.

It did of course mean that we were all crying with laughter on the top floor of the rather tasteful Pizza Express in Oxford’s Golden Cross, much to the surprise of the rest of the diners, and the deepening blushes of our unfortunate waiter Lubos.

And as such it will always be a more memorable meal than the food alone. Not that our new and much publicised Leggera pizzas weren’t nice, they were... nice.

But that’s why people go to Pizza Express because they know what they’re going to get, especially at this branch, which boasts one of the nicest interiors I have yet to find in this franchise.

But back to the bottoms. To set the scene, the Leggera is Pizza Express’ new range for ‘weight watchers’. By cutting out the middle of the pizza and replacing it with salad, apparently it cuts out a lot of calories, (500 if you’re interested) making it more of a figure-watching option. To be honest, if you’re watching you’re weight you shouldn’t be eating pizza anyway, but if it makes you feel better....

However, we did accede that Pizza Express wasn’t doing it as a sly cost-cutting exercise because while it might save money on the bit of dough they cut out, the salad ingredients alone cost far more, plus it means you are unlikely to order any side orders.

So maybe it is our figures it’s worried about, or our bottoms to be more precise!

Because when we enquired about the Leggera range our waiter said they were good for our bottoms. Thinking we had misheard he repeated the same phrase unleashing a torrent of questions from “how do they know they’re good for our bottoms?” to the minefield of “what’s wrong with my bottom?” and “how can you see my bottom when I’m sitting down?”

Our poor Italian waiter turned scarlet and said “no, no, no,” in a manner that Mamma would have been proud of, before managing to repeat himself again: “I said, it’s got a good bottom.”

But by then it was too late, we were off, hooting like owls on Red Bull, dissolving into hysterical laughter over our dough balls.

What’s that? The food?

Yes, we had dough balls with garlic butter (£3.20) and we tried the olives (£2.30).

Then we had three of the Leggera pizzas, the Gustosa (£9.45) – prosciutto ham, light mozzarella, Portobello mushrooms, yellow peppers and thyme, the Padana (£9.70) with goats cheese, spinach, red and caramelised onions, garlic oil and the Pomodoro Pesto (£8.90) – marinated Santos tomatoes, fresh basil, pesto, light mozzarella, garlic oil.

The salad in the middle by the way is rocket and ricotta salata cheese.

And it’s not just the salad that’s different, the dough is lighter and crispier and doesn’t come with that wedge around the outside, which we preferred.

So despite, rather than because of, the dieting tag, we loved the Leggeras.

Just not as much as we adored Lubos who was much better for our health, but sadly for you, not on the menu.

* Pizza Express is at The Golden Cross, Oxford.

Call 01865 790442.