Are you worried about what gift to surprise that special someone with for Christmas? Or perhaps your partner is pestering you about what you’d really love to receive under the mistletoe? After all, sexy lingerie is so 1990s. We’re in the post feminist-feminist phase after all, where to buy a woman lingerie could be likened to offering her cash the morning after, even if you’re married and simply giving her change for the bus. In addition, practical presents that you’ll ‘get a lot of use out of’ are just dull. They’re completely opposed to the genuine spirit of Christmas, which – as everybody knows – is frivolity and mass consumption of everything you’ll spend the best part of next year detoxing from. Yawn.

No, instead, this year for that extra special something, why not ask your partner, dear ole Santa or – better yet – your Gran, if they’d mind getting you a spot of non-invasive vaginal tightening?

It’s the latest thing and the best gift a gal could (apparently) have. I’m sure we all regularly lament over coffee that our vaginas are just not lifted enough these days – especially not, so the providers of Femilift inform me – after one has had children or is over a certain age and prime.

Femilift is the latest in a long line of laser technology invented to improve women. What is it with laser? First it came for the eyes, and I didn’t speak out because I was wearing contact lenses. Then it came for the leg hair and I didn’t speak out because I was at the waxers. Then it came for the wrinkles, and I didn’t speak out because I am still in my twenties.

Then it came for the vagina. And there was nothing left to say.

Femilift works by pulsing light using an innovative ‘vaginal tightening and lifting technology’. It’s like Ronseal and must do exactly what it says on the tin. One 50-year-old woman’s case study revealed that after giving birth to two children and partaking in various other activities I won’t go into, her sex life was a little droopy and she suffered from stress incontinence. She now pays £1,800 for five half hour lunchtime sessions, spread over five weeks in which she is improved by the light of a vaginal probe. She’s stopped peeing every time she laughs and her sex life has ‘never been better’, according to both her and her husband.

Bully for them. I suppose it’s better than invasive surgery that can be dangerous and more painful and stressful for the body.

And with the proliferation of lunchtime fixes – liposuction while you drink your kale smoothie and a little gentle Botox while you wait – it was only a matter of time before the vagina got incorporated into the daily improvement schedule.

Whatever happened to kegel exercises? Does anybody still do those? You can do those while still at the office, never mind over lunch. Well, I guess nobody needs to secretly flex and relax any more with the Femilift gift voucher tucked safely in their stocking. Thank goodness. I had a spare two grand lying around and was worrying about how best to lose it. Let there be light.